Yes, I am Bulimic

I usually only tell people that I'm anorexic because I feel as if I have concurred my bulimia. I was quite wrong.

Back in Russia I would starve myself on some days and on others I would binge horribly. After I binged, I would lock myself in the bathroom and purge my guts out. The acidic feeling in my throat hurt so much but at the same time it felt so good. I was getting rid of the food in my belly. At the time my parents did not know what to do. They thought it was a phase.

When I moved to Canada, I promised myself that I would not starve or binge ever again. I guess I succeed in that sense. I gained thirty pounds and finally began to look healthy. But that all changed in the summer of 2012. I felt as if I was too fat so I began to restrict my diet. Before I knew it I went back to my anorexic ways. I never purged until a few days ago. I went on a horrible binge. I ate an entire medium sized pizza. I just couldn't stop myself from eating. It was disgusting. Afterwards, I locked myself in the bathroom and stuck my finger down my throat. It felt good.

I never want to purge again but I probably will in the near future. I haven't been on a huge binge since then but I am still scared. I hate myself for purging yet I also love to purge. Eating disorders honestly make no sense.

I'm Not Perfect

I've received a lot of tweets on twitter and also something on Ask.fm pertaining to me being perfect. I am not perfect! I know that these people are completing me but I am not perfect. No one is. Everyone has problems. I am a messed up child if anything. So here is a list of things of why I am not perfect:

• My name is Vladimir. Yeah....
• I have a very thick Russian accent. It is quite hard to understand what I'm saying.
• I'm short. I'm 5'5. For a guy, that's short.
• I'm anorexic.
• I am bulimic.
• I have no muscles mostly because of my anorexia.
• I was abused as a child.
• I was bullied at school.
• I am bullied online.
• I'm adopted.
• I drink at least two bottles of vodka a week.
• I was a chain smoker.
• I sniffed glue.
• I suffer from ADHD.
• I suffer from OCD.
• If I continue with my anorexic tendencies I will be dead before 30.
• I spend at least 2 hours a day playing video games. NERD!!!
• I spend at least 4 hours on the internet every day.
• I swear a lot. Like A LOT.
• I hate my body.
• I have suicidal tendencies.
• I know nothing about American football. Like nothing!! I just found out what the NFL was....
• I cannot sing. Like my voice sounds horrible.
• I have no sense of fashion.

Does that sound perfect to you?

Major Changes to this Blog

Since creating my twitter account, I really wanted to create a blog about my battle with anorexia. Even before I moved to Canada, I have always struggled with my relationship with food and loving my body. Back in Russia I use to throw up every meal I ate. Some days I would eat up to 3000 calories in one go while other days I would starve myself. Either way, I threw up what was in my stomach. I absolutely hate my body. Where other people see bones I see fat. I just want to be happy with myself.

I am not pro anorexic but I am also not pro recovery. I am somewhere in-between. I desperately want to gain weight but at the same time I don't. It's really hard to explain but if you ask someone who suffers from an eating disorder, they will probably say the same thing.

My old blog was called rantingrussian.blogspot.ca. I have changed it to russiananorexic.blogspot.ca.

Heart Attack at 14

A few days ago I was hanging out at the mall with my girlfriend and a few friends. We were walking to the food court when a wave of dizziness hit me. I suffer from anorexia so I just assumed it was blood not getting to my brain. If you don't know, dizziness is a common in anorexics. I waved it off but then I felt my chest tighten up and I began to gasp for air. I don't suffer from asthma or anything like that so this scarred me. Luckily we had reached the food court. I immediately sat down. When my friends asked me if I was okay I just said that blood wasn't reaching my head and I needed to sit down. All of them knew I suffered from anorexia so they gave me space. But I knew this wasn't like my little fainting spells.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of air. I tried to stand up but I felt as if my legs were jelly. I sat back down and continued to breathe deeply. By this time I was covered in a layer of cold sweat. My friend Oliver had finished ordering his food and asked me again if I was okay. I said I felt as if I was going to die. He asked if me if he should call an ambulance and I said yes.

I don't remember what happened in the next few minutes because I was focusing on breathing. Honestly it felt like there was an elephant on my chest. Not a pleasant feeling. I remember my girlfriend hugging me and telling me everything was going to be okay. I think at the time mall security came but I don't really remember.

Another few minutes passed when finally medical staff came. They asked a few questions and took my pulse. They then told me that I had was having a heart attack. Wait a second... I'm 14. 14 year olds are suppose to be hanging out and having fun not having a heart attack.

This was probably one of the scariest things that ever happened to me and I've been body checked by a man who was over a foot taller than me. In the end the doctor related my heart attack with my anorexia. At about 5'5, I weigh around 91lbs. I know on the internet there is a lot of pro anorexic sites that idolize this disease, but anorexia is not something to be idolized. It is a horrible mental illness that slowly eats away at your life. All I want to do is recover from this illness. I want to be a professional hockey player but the way I'm going, I'll be lucky if I live till 30.