Blog name

I've been thinking of changing the name of this blog. I originally created it as a place for me to talk about my struggles with my eating disorder, hence the name "Russian Anorexic". But, I've since recovered and have moved on. I want to keep the name as a memory of the struggles I went through to recover and so my old fans from my Twitter days can still find me. But the name is not relevant anymore. 

There's also the issue of if you google "Russian Anorexic", the first hit is my blog. But, the next hits are from pornographic websites. Not something I want to associate with. 

I've already changed the name of my blog once. Back in early 2013, I changed it from "Ranting Russian" to "Russian Anorexic" to capture the shift in focus from stupid everyday rants to posts about eating disorders. Why not do it again now that there's a second shift in focus? 

If you one day notice this blog has a different name, now you know why. 

Vladik

Hey it's been a while

Wow its been over 6 years since I last posted. Looking back at this blog has been a journey down memory lane. So much has happened since 2013; I barely even recognize 14 year old me.

I'm now 21. I'm proud to say I've been recovered for the past 4 years. I now eat an average of 2500 calories a day without feeling an ounce of guilt. I can't believe 6 years ago, I would break down crying if I ate more than 500 calories a day. It's been quite a journey that I wish I could have shared with you all. But, my journey to recovery was a journey that I had to take by myself.

I moved back to Russia two years ago. I love Canada but I felt so restricted there.

I was a crown ward, living in rural town in Northern Ontario.

Population: 3,500.

I don't know if you've ever lived in a small town before but everyone knows everything. You can't keep a secret. People knew about my history with alcohol abuse, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and running away. When I moved out of my adoptive parent's house (this was when I was most active on social media), I thought it was going to be a new start. I moved to a town 8 hours south. No one knew me.

Yet, somehow my past followed me there. People soon started to piece together my broken past. It became common knowledge. And, it became so suffocating.

I knew I wanted to move back to Russia. But, I wasn't sure how to do it. I had a Canadian passport but wouldn't I need to get my Russian passport as well? All I knew at the time was that I had to save up money for my trip home. So, I began taking on any and all jobs.

The day I turned 18, I aged out of the foster care system. I hitchhiked for two days to reach Ottawa. Once I got to Ottawa, the first place I visited was the Russian Embassy. I walked in, showed my Canadian passport that proudly displayed by place of birth as 'St Petersburg, Russia', and said in Russian, "I want a Russian passport to go home."

I couldn't produce a Russian birth certificate. I had no idea if I was even still a Russian citizen. All I had was my adoption certificate stating that "James Smith" was adopted from Russia to a Canadian couple.

It took the embassy 5 months to confirm my identity, another 3 months to produce a birth certificate, and another 2 months to issue me a passport. They gave me the choice to go back to my Russian birth name, Alexander Zavrazhnov, or keep my Canadian legal name, James Smith.

I chose neither.

I didn't want to be Sasha, that homeless kid around St Petersburg. Nor, do I want to be James, that weird kid who starved himself.

I had been going by the name Vladik for quite some time and it just felt right. I chose the name Vladimir.

I moved to Russia a few months before I turned 19. I didn't have anything waiting for me back at Russia so I decided to join the military. Conscription is a thing here so to cover myself, I volunteered for service.

Since then, life has been good. More posts to come :)

Cheers all,

Vladik

I Hate Myself

If you met me just out of the blue, you would think that I'm one of the happiest guys around. Yes I love to smile and make others smile as well but does that mean that I smile on the inside? The answer is sometimes. I sometimes smile on the inside.

I have very little self-esteem/self-confidence. I hate myself. I often feel like I am worthless, that I don't deserve to live. I don't suffer from depression but I do have symptoms of depression. The doctor said that they were too low for him to diagnose me with depression. But still, I hate myself. But I fight, every day I fight for my happiness. I tell myself that I am worth it and that I am beautiful the way I am.

I am worth it.

I had a heart scare a few months back and I actually made it into the local newspaper! They actually wrote a little bit about my self-esteem.

"We interviewed Alex* yesterday and when asked why he starved himself, he replied by saying, “I don't deserve food. I'm not good enough.” With his blond hair, good looks and out-going personality, one might be surprised by the fact he has such low self-esteem. “I hate myself. I'm fat and ugly. I'm just a failure.”"

*Note that they changed my name for privacy issues.

Aww thanks but I'm ugly as fuck.

In reality, I hate myself. I might not act that way but I do. I hate everything about myself; my height, my weight, my hair colour, my accent, my immature personality, EVERYTHING. But I don't care, I will fight for my happiness. I am beautiful in my own way and I will tell myself this everyday.

I am worth it.

Different Types of Eating Disorders

When one thinks about eating disorders (EDs) the main thought would be skinny girls starving themselves. Many people think that there is only one type of ED but in reality there are multiple types. These include under eating and over eating as well as a combination of the two.

First here are a few definitions you will need to know.

Eating disorder
Eating disorders are a condition defined by abnormal eating habits, both under eating and over eating, because of one's mental of physical health.

Binge eating (binging)
Binge eating is the uncontrollable consumption of large quantities of food.

Purging
Purging is the act of compensatory behaviour to controls one's weight after eating. Examples of purging are (but not limited to) using laxatives, self-induced vomiting, and/or over exercising.

So without any further complications here are a list of the most common eating disorders.

Anorexia Nervosa

Anorexia Nervosa is characterized by the refusal to eat.

Probably the most well known, Anorexia Nervosa (often called simply anorexia. Note that anorexia is a symptom where one does not feel hungry but it is usually used to refer to Anorexia Nervosa) is an eating disorder characterized by the refusal to eat due to an obsession with having a skinny body and irrational fear of gaining weight, as well as a distorted body self-perception. No matter how skinny they are, it is not enough. It has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness at 20%.

Anorexia is most prevalent in adolescent girls but recent studies have shown younger and younger children are also suffering from it. Also it is estimated that 1 in 4 anorexics are male though in recovery programs only 1 in 10 are males. This is because males are much likely to be diagnosed. It may affect anyone from any social, economical or cultural background.

Anorexics typically consume around 600-800 but cases of complete starvation have been documented. You do no have to be underweight to suffer from anorexia.

Bulimia Nervosa

Bulimia Nervosa (often called bulimia) is an eating disorder characterized by frequent episodes of eating large amounts of food uncontrollably (binge eating) as well as a compensatory behaviour intended to prevent excessive weight gain, often dubbed "purging". Examples of purging are using laxatives, self-induced vomiting, over exercising... etc. The key difference between bulimia and anorexia is anorexics do not purge.


An example of purging.

Bulimia and anorexia are closely related. It is believed that half of the teens suffering from anorexia also suffer from bulimia. People who suffer from both can be diagnosed with an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (see below) or Anorexia with Bulimic Tendencies. They usually do not eat for a prolonged period of time and then binge and eventually purge. This is a way of controlling their weight though extremely unhealthy.
People with bulimia are generally at a healthy weight. Bulimia is considered less life threatening than anorexia but studies have shown that is much more prevalent. It is believed that up to 1% of women suffer from this. Bulimia is nine times more common in females than males.

Binge Eating Disorder (BED)

The most common eating disorder but still not recognized as a separate eating disorder, Binge Eating Disorder (BED) is an eating disorder characterized by frequent episodes of binge eating (eating large amounts of food uncontrollably) without using compensatory behaviour (laxatives, self-induced vomiting, over exercising) to prevent weight gain. Usually these episodes last no more than two hours but some cases are shown to be different. They difference between BED and bulimia is that bulimics use compensatory methods to prevent weight gain.

Binge eating is the uncontrollable
consumption of large quantities of food.

In the USA it is believed to affect 2-3% of the population. Also 30% of people seeking weight loss treatments have BED. Most people with BED are classified as overweight or obese but people at a healthy weight may also suffer from this.

Unlike anorexia and bulimia, the gender difference between the two are much smaller. Women are twice more likely to suffer from BED than men. Like anorexia, it may affect anyone from any social, economical or cultural background.

At the moment, people with BED are often diagnosed with an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) since it has not been recognized as a separate eating disorder.

Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS)

An EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) is diagnosis given to someone with an eating disorder that does not fit the criteria of anorexia, or bulimia. EDNOS symptoms and behaviors can vary widely. Someone with this could restrict their calorie intake for a day and then binge the next day or they could suffer from BED (many people with BED are diagnosed with EDNOS because BED is not recognized as an eating disorder).

EDNOS is as serious as any other eating disorder and should not be taken lightly.

Night Eating Syndrome (NES)

Night Eating Syndrome (NES) is an emerging eating disorder where a person eats very little during the day and binges at night. It is characterized by obsessively eating over half of their daily calories after eight o'clock.

The difference between NES and BED (Binge Eating Disorder) is that NES patients binge at night instead of throughout the day and generally snack instead of eating full meals. This is often seen as a way to cope with depression. People with NES also do not purge, differing it from bulimia. 

People with orthorexia have an
unhealthy obsession with eating healthy.

Orthorexia Nervosa

Orthorexia Nervosa is relatively new compared with it's counterparts but is as deadly. Orthorexia is an eating disorder characterized by an obsession to eat "pure" foods. Put simply, they have an unhealthy obsession with eating healthy.



No matter how muscular they are,
 they feel as if that is not enough.

The difference between orthorexia and anorexia is that anorexics focus more on their bodies while orthorexics focus more on the food they are eating. Most people diagnosed with it do not have distorted self-perception. Like BED it is not recognized as a separate eating disorder.

Muscle Dysmorphia (Bigorexia)

Muscle dysmorphia, known informally as bigorexia is not necessarily an eating disorder but it does fall into the category of abnormal eating habits.  Like its name, it is a disorder in which a person becomes obsessed with not having enough muscle. It is quite similar to anorexia in the sense the person has distorted body self-perception but people with this are focused more on building muscle. No matter how muscular they are, they feel as if that is not enough.

Bigorexia almost entirely affects men but cases of women having bigorexia have been documented. Most cases are of body builders.


Things NOT to say to Anorexics

Somethings that you might think are innocent enough to say to someone with anorexia are actually either very offensive or might cause them to lose more weight.

Here are some things you should avoid saying:

Can you give me some weight lose tips?

Yes I can give you weight lose tips but you might just die in the process.

Yes anorexics generally know quite a lot of weight lose tips but these tips are dangerous and life threatening. You will lose weight using these tips but they will probably be extremely unhealthy. You probably will lose a few pounds but as soon as you go back to your regular eating patterns, you will gain the weight back.

What to do instead.

If you really want to loose weight, eat healthy and moderately exercise. Do NOT join the ED community.

But I've seen you eat!

We are people too and that means we eat. Most people think anorexics completely stop eating. That is not the case. We mostly cut back on what we eat. We still will eat but not as much. When you say this to someone with an eating disorder, they might take it as an insult and start eating less.

What to do instead.

Don't comment about what they eat. Commenting about what they eat will make them quite nervous and not want to eat around you.

How much do you weigh?

Tell me how much you weigh first.

It's human nature to not want to tell other people your weight. Anorexics are no different. Would you like people asking you about your weight constantly? Probably not. So don't ask others this question.

What to do instead.

Don't make comments about their weight/shape/food intake. This will make them nervous and strain your relationship. Also they might want to cut back on food even more.

You're so thin it's unhealthy!

Thank you.

You might think this is an insult but most anorexics will call this a compliment. Armed with the motivation to lose more weight, they will cut back on food and exercise more intensely for more people to notice and for them to comment about it as well.

What to do instead.

Best thing to do, don't comment about their body. Their body is their body meaning that you have no right to be talking about it.

I have anorexia because I skipped a meal.

No. Just no.

Let me tell you a story. I have a friend named Erin and she is sort of a wannarexic. She says that she has anorexia because she doesn't eat breakfast. Okay you might have the symptom anorexia but you do NOT have Anorexia Nervosa! Skipping a meal does not mean you have an eating disorder.

Saying this is very, very offensive. When Erin said this, I was shocked. I couldn't believe she had just said that. I was very offended. I didn't say anything about it because she is a good friend but still, I was pissed.

Saying this is implying that eating disorders are a joke and everyone has one to a certain extent. Anorexia/bulimia/EDNOS are NOT jokes. They are serious mental illnesses that kill. Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness with 20% succumbing to their eating disorder and only 40% truly recover. Doesn't sound funny now does it?

What to do instead.

Just don't say it.

Eat something or (insert threat here)

Threatening them to eat is quite a stupid thing to do. Most people who do this actually have pure intentions but this is not the way to go.

Threats do not work. In all honesty, threatening them will only cause strain on your relationship. They will pull away from you and believe that you are the villain in the story. Also chances are they won't eat anything.

What to do instead.

Encourage them to eat. Don't force them to, encourage them. There is a difference.

Just snap out of it!

Trust me if I could, I would.

You cannot just snap out of an eating disorder. If that was the case then why would there be such a high mortality rate, eh?

It's not a state or mind, it is an illness. Saying "Just snap out of it!" to an anorexic is likes saying "Just snap out of it!" to a cancer victim. You cannot just snap out of it; it takes time to heal. Saying this will only strain your relationship.

What to do instead.

Like I said before, encourage them to get better. Don't force it upon them, encourage them.

Autobiography

Cover

So twitter isn't working for me today so I decided to try writing an autobiography!! YAY! I'm writing my autobiography, titled Perfectly Imperfect, on Wattpad. Here is the link. So if you were ever curious about my story, here it is! Names and places have been changed and certain scenes altered because of the nature of the incident. My name has also been changed.

I want to say that this was very hard for me to write. I've always kept my past life a secret and now it's out there, on the internet, for anyone and everyone to read. My life is filled with pain and struggle but at the same time hope and happiness. What doesn't kill me always makes me stronger at the end.

I decided to write this mainly because I was bored but also to tell people who have endured the same thing that it does get better. One day, everything will work out. I promise you that.

Here are some excerpts:

Perfect.

It is a word that haunts me. Memories of my past quickly flood my mind when it is spoken. All I wanted was to be perfect. I did anything and everything to achieve that. I didn't care about the consequences, all that mattered was that I was perfect.

So many people called me that. Now and then. On the outside, I might look that way but on the inside, I am the exact opposite. On the inside I am an emotional train wreck. Horrible mood swings, uncontrollable urges to drink, throwing up what I eat, are all part of my perfection.

I am perfectly imperfect. (Prologue)

XXX

“We want an abortion!” suddenly yelled Alex.

“An abortion?” questioned Golovkin. For someone who had sounded so confused, they seemed to be quite confident in their decision.

“Yes...” whispered Lucya. (March 30, 1998)

How did my Eating Disorder Start?

I've been asking myself this question for so long. How did my ED start? Did someone say something? Was it because of my biological parents? The police?

I don't know.

I don't know how my eating disorder started or why it did. This has been driving me insane not knowing the answer. Most doctors think that my ED is related to my upbringing. I was abused (physically and emotionally) and neglected as a child. By the age of seven, I was on the streets. I eventually was put into an orphanage. All I wanted was control. I couldn't control anything else in my life but my body. So that's what I did.

That's the doctor's theory. Whether it's true or now, I don't know.

Inpatient Mode!!!

Yesterday at around 11:00 Eastern Time, I was in bed, chatting with awesome people on kik (RussianAnorexic) and Twitter when my heart started to race. Well, I know for a fact that I have a very weak heart, so I didn't take notice of it. Seven years of an eating disorder can do that to you. Then about ten minutes later, my chest began to hurt and I had trouble breathing. Uh-oh, that ain't good. I had no idea what was going on so I decided to ask on Twitter if I should tell my dad:

Umm my heart is beating crazy fast, my chest like really hurts and I'm having trouble breathing? Should I tell my parents?
— ana's boy (@RussianAnorexic) April 9, 2013

All most all the responses were "YES!!!". So, I woke up my GF's dad (I live with them and he has legal custody over me) and told him what was going on. He immediately said he thought that I was having a heart attack. Most of you would probably be like that's ridiculous, fourteen year olds don't get heart attacks but last month I had one. The main reason for that was because of my weak heart but also because I had just drank a huge cup of coffee. But, it was still scary as hell. This time, I hadn't been drinking coffee. I had only been sipping on diet coke almost five hours ago.

This is what caused my last heart attack.


I am quiet happy that at the time, we weren't at my farm. Long story short, the farm is were my adoptive parents live and where I use to live but I moved away after a huge fight we had. Well that farm is about a two hour drive from the nearest hospital. Glad I wasn't there...

Well, me and my girlfriend got into the car and he drove us to the emergency room. By that time, my legs began to feel like jello and I was a little dizzy. I told the nurse what was going on and she immediately got me hooked up to a machine. Before I knew it, and IV was in my hand and hospital staff were swarming around me. They took my blood pressure, blood sugar and a ton of other things. They then told me I was having a heart attack. Great....

They injected a ton of stuff in my IV and began asking me some general questions. At that time, my GF's dad called my adoptive parents and told them what was going on. After I told the nurse I suffered from an eating disorder she immediately asked me for my height and weight. I told her them I could tell she was shocked.

Within two hours, my little brother, obviously worried about me, come running into the hospital hugging me. We talked a little before I fell asleep (it was around two/three in the morning).

I woke up to my GF's dad talking on the phone. After a little while he hung up and I asked him what it was about. What he told me almost gave me another heart attack. I was going to an inpatient program to help me recover.

Crap!

Don't make me go!!!!

I pleaded with him but after what I had just went through, he didn't budge. So now, I'm going to be flying down to Southern Ontario because apparently none of the clinics in Northern Ontario will accept me or the waiting list is to long.

Right now, we (GF, GF's dad, and I) are getting ready to go to the airport to catch our flight. I am not excited. Like not what so ever. I don't want to recover!!! Why can't you understand that!!????

I have no idea how long I am going to be away for meaning that I can't update my Twitter, blog or anything ((((((

I'm going to miss you.

Stay strong,

Vladimir Popov

Это называется свобода слова!!!!!

Titled translates into "It's called freedom of speech!!!!!"

I am absolutely pissed off at Facebook. More than I was when I found out that my little brother drank all my Coke Zero and I was pissed at him. Well, I made a Facebook page (username RussianAnorexic) titled "Pro Ana" designed to help people who suffer from an eating disorder but do not wish to recover. Well it got about 80 likes before Facebook decided to be an ass and deleted it.

Well today I woke up and decided to check my email. I had about twelve emails from twitter. I quickly scanned through them before deleting them. Then I saw it. The email was titled "Facebook Warning". I thought maybe I did something wrong, like posting to many stats in one go but it wasn't like that. It was a notice about my Facebook page "Pro Ana". I didn't know what to think so I continued to read. Here are some direct quotes from the email:


Yeah...no

"You are receiving this message because a friend is concerned about something you posted on Facebook."

None of my friends know about that page...

"Facebook is working with the National Eating Disorders Association to provide resources to our users and to support those struggling with eating disorders."

Well, deleting a page meant to support those who do not wish to recover is NOT supporting those struggling with eating disorders. So many pages post things that say that you must recover. I disagree with these pages. Recovery is a personal choice and not something to be forced upon. You are not supporting anyone by saying that you must recover.

In some sense, I understand what they were doing. Probably over 75% of the people on that page were wannorexics. Mind you that I do not hate wannorexics for their thinking, I hate them for posting stuff onto sites meant for people actually struggling with an eating disorder. Honestly, I wanted to scream at them. I really did. It was ridiculous the things they were posting. I don't have any screen shots but I do remember some stuff.

Most messages that I got went along the lines of this:

"Hey I just started with Ana. Can you give me some tips?"

First off, you can't just start with anorexia. Second, if you are actually anorexic, you wouldn't be asking for tips. I didn't even know about the anorexic community on the internet until like last year and I've suffered from an eating disorder for seven years!! For all that time, I knew all the common "tips" that people posted.

In conclusion, I'm still pissed off that Facebook does not allow freedom of speech. I live in Canada not North Korea! I have a voice! Will it be silenced? Never!!! During the Cold War I understand but that was over like twenty years ago! I am pissed and I will always be. So Twitter, you are better than Facebook.

Yes, I am Bulimic

I usually only tell people that I'm anorexic because I feel as if I have concurred my bulimia. I was quite wrong.

Back in Russia I would starve myself on some days and on others I would binge horribly. After I binged, I would lock myself in the bathroom and purge my guts out. The acidic feeling in my throat hurt so much but at the same time it felt so good. I was getting rid of the food in my belly. At the time my parents did not know what to do. They thought it was a phase.

When I moved to Canada, I promised myself that I would not starve or binge ever again. I guess I succeed in that sense. I gained thirty pounds and finally began to look healthy. But that all changed in the summer of 2012. I felt as if I was too fat so I began to restrict my diet. Before I knew it I went back to my anorexic ways. I never purged until a few days ago. I went on a horrible binge. I ate an entire medium sized pizza. I just couldn't stop myself from eating. It was disgusting. Afterwards, I locked myself in the bathroom and stuck my finger down my throat. It felt good.

I never want to purge again but I probably will in the near future. I haven't been on a huge binge since then but I am still scared. I hate myself for purging yet I also love to purge. Eating disorders honestly make no sense.

I'm Not Perfect

I've received a lot of tweets on twitter and also something on Ask.fm pertaining to me being perfect. I am not perfect! I know that these people are completing me but I am not perfect. No one is. Everyone has problems. I am a messed up child if anything. So here is a list of things of why I am not perfect:

• My name is Vladimir. Yeah....
• I have a very thick Russian accent. It is quite hard to understand what I'm saying.
• I'm short. I'm 5'5. For a guy, that's short.
• I'm anorexic.
• I am bulimic.
• I have no muscles mostly because of my anorexia.
• I was abused as a child.
• I was bullied at school.
• I am bullied online.
• I'm adopted.
• I drink at least two bottles of vodka a week.
• I was a chain smoker.
• I sniffed glue.
• I suffer from ADHD.
• I suffer from OCD.
• If I continue with my anorexic tendencies I will be dead before 30.
• I spend at least 2 hours a day playing video games. NERD!!!
• I spend at least 4 hours on the internet every day.
• I swear a lot. Like A LOT.
• I hate my body.
• I have suicidal tendencies.
• I know nothing about American football. Like nothing!! I just found out what the NFL was....
• I cannot sing. Like my voice sounds horrible.
• I have no sense of fashion.

Does that sound perfect to you?