I'm a recovered anorexic. Plan and simple. I no longer count calories. If I see something I like, I buy it and eat it. No guilt. No sorrow. Its just food to me.
7 years ago, I was also an active part of the pro-ana community. I was one of the most active and well-known members. I had a thousand followers on Twitter and would document my daily struggles.
To this day, I still believe recovery is a choice. You cannot force someone to go into recovery against their own will. It won't work; they won't recover. They'll game the system just enough to be released. Then, its back to starving themselves.
I don't agree with the "anorexia is a lifestyle" mindset. No, its a disease. A disease of the mind that manifests and physically destroys your body. That's my main issue with the pro-ana community; that some people promote it as a lifestyle. However, the one thing I will agree with them on is that recovery is a choice.
Do not force your family member or friend into recovery. Don't say shit like "if you don't recover, we can never be friends." Just don't.
Support your friends. Encourage them to recover. But don't force them to do anything.
In the end, recovery is a choice.
Vladik
Showing posts with label Anorexia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anorexia. Show all posts
August 30, 2020
May 30, 2013
I Hate Myself
If you met me just out of the blue, you would think that I'm one of the happiest guys around. Yes I love to smile and make others smile as well but does that mean that I smile on the inside? The answer is sometimes. I sometimes smile on the inside.
I have very little self-esteem/self-confidence. I hate myself. I often feel like I am worthless, that I don't deserve to live. I don't suffer from depression but I do have symptoms of depression. The doctor said that they were too low for him to diagnose me with depression. But still, I hate myself. But I fight, every day I fight for my happiness. I tell myself that I am worth it and that I am beautiful the way I am.
I am worth it.
I had a heart scare a few months back and I actually made it into the local newspaper! They actually wrote a little bit about my self-esteem.
*Note that they changed my name for privacy issues.
Aww thanks but I'm ugly as fuck.
In reality, I hate myself. I might not act that way but I do. I hate everything about myself; my height, my weight, my hair colour, my accent, my immature personality, EVERYTHING. But I don't care, I will fight for my happiness. I am beautiful in my own way and I will tell myself this everyday.
I am worth it.
I have very little self-esteem/self-confidence. I hate myself. I often feel like I am worthless, that I don't deserve to live. I don't suffer from depression but I do have symptoms of depression. The doctor said that they were too low for him to diagnose me with depression. But still, I hate myself. But I fight, every day I fight for my happiness. I tell myself that I am worth it and that I am beautiful the way I am.
I am worth it.
I had a heart scare a few months back and I actually made it into the local newspaper! They actually wrote a little bit about my self-esteem.
"We interviewed Alex* yesterday and when
asked why he starved himself, he replied by saying, “I don't
deserve food. I'm not good enough.” With his blond hair, good looks
and out-going personality, one might be surprised by the fact he has
such low self-esteem. “I hate myself. I'm fat and ugly. I'm just a
failure.”"
*Note that they changed my name for privacy issues.
Aww thanks but I'm ugly as fuck.
In reality, I hate myself. I might not act that way but I do. I hate everything about myself; my height, my weight, my hair colour, my accent, my immature personality, EVERYTHING. But I don't care, I will fight for my happiness. I am beautiful in my own way and I will tell myself this everyday.
I am worth it.
May 17, 2013
Different Types of Eating Disorders
When one thinks about eating disorders (EDs) the main thought would be skinny girls starving themselves. Many people think that there is only one type of ED but in reality there are multiple types. These include under eating and over eating as well as a combination of the two.
First here are a few definitions you will need to know.
Eating disorder
Eating disorders are a condition defined by abnormal eating habits, both under eating and over eating, because of one's mental of physical health.
Binge eating (binging)
Binge eating is the uncontrollable consumption of large quantities of food.
Purging
Purging is the act of compensatory behaviour to controls one's weight after eating. Examples of purging are (but not limited to) using laxatives, self-induced vomiting, and/or over exercising.
So without any further complications here are a list of the most common eating disorders.
Anorexia Nervosa
Probably the most well known, Anorexia Nervosa (often called simply anorexia. Note that anorexia is a symptom where one does not feel hungry but it is usually used to refer to Anorexia Nervosa) is an eating disorder characterized by the refusal to eat due to an obsession with having a skinny body and irrational fear of gaining weight, as well as a distorted body self-perception. No matter how skinny they are, it is not enough. It has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness at 20%.
Anorexia is most prevalent in adolescent girls but recent studies have shown younger and younger children are also suffering from it. Also it is estimated that 1 in 4 anorexics are male though in recovery programs only 1 in 10 are males. This is because males are much likely to be diagnosed. It may affect anyone from any social, economical or cultural background.
Anorexics typically consume around 600-800 but cases of complete starvation have been documented. You do no have to be underweight to suffer from anorexia.
Bulimia Nervosa
Bulimia Nervosa (often called bulimia) is an eating disorder characterized by frequent episodes of eating large amounts of food uncontrollably (binge eating) as well as a compensatory behaviour intended to prevent excessive weight gain, often dubbed "purging". Examples of purging are using laxatives, self-induced vomiting, over exercising... etc. The key difference between bulimia and anorexia is anorexics do not purge.
Bulimia and anorexia are closely related. It is believed that half of the teens suffering from anorexia also suffer from bulimia. People who suffer from both can be diagnosed with an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (see below) or Anorexia with Bulimic Tendencies. They usually do not eat for a prolonged period of time and then binge and eventually purge. This is a way of controlling their weight though extremely unhealthy.
People with bulimia are generally at a healthy weight. Bulimia is considered less life threatening than anorexia but studies have shown that is much more prevalent. It is believed that up to 1% of women suffer from this. Bulimia is nine times more common in females than males.
Binge Eating Disorder (BED)
The most common eating disorder but still not recognized as a separate eating disorder, Binge Eating Disorder (BED) is an eating disorder characterized by frequent episodes of binge eating (eating large amounts of food uncontrollably) without using compensatory behaviour (laxatives, self-induced vomiting, over exercising) to prevent weight gain. Usually these episodes last no more than two hours but some cases are shown to be different. They difference between BED and bulimia is that bulimics use compensatory methods to prevent weight gain.
In the USA it is believed to affect 2-3% of the population. Also 30% of people seeking weight loss treatments have BED. Most people with BED are classified as overweight or obese but people at a healthy weight may also suffer from this.
Unlike anorexia and bulimia, the gender difference between the two are much smaller. Women are twice more likely to suffer from BED than men. Like anorexia, it may affect anyone from any social, economical or cultural background.
At the moment, people with BED are often diagnosed with an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) since it has not been recognized as a separate eating disorder.
Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS)
An EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) is diagnosis given to someone with an eating disorder that does not fit the criteria of anorexia, or bulimia. EDNOS symptoms and behaviors can vary widely. Someone with this could restrict their calorie intake for a day and then binge the next day or they could suffer from BED (many people with BED are diagnosed with EDNOS because BED is not recognized as an eating disorder).
EDNOS is as serious as any other eating disorder and should not be taken lightly.
Night Eating Syndrome (NES)
Night Eating Syndrome (NES) is an emerging eating disorder where a person eats very little during the day and binges at night. It is characterized by obsessively eating over half of their daily calories after eight o'clock.
The difference between NES and BED (Binge Eating Disorder) is that NES patients binge at night instead of throughout the day and generally snack instead of eating full meals. This is often seen as a way to cope with depression. People with NES also do not purge, differing it from bulimia.
Orthorexia Nervosa
Orthorexia Nervosa is relatively new compared with it's counterparts but is as deadly. Orthorexia is an eating disorder characterized by an obsession to eat "pure" foods. Put simply, they have an unhealthy obsession with eating healthy.
The difference between orthorexia and anorexia is that anorexics focus more on their bodies while orthorexics focus more on the food they are eating. Most people diagnosed with it do not have distorted self-perception. Like BED it is not recognized as a separate eating disorder.
Muscle Dysmorphia (Bigorexia)
Muscle dysmorphia, known informally as bigorexia is not necessarily an eating disorder but it does fall into the category of abnormal eating habits. Like its name, it is a disorder in which a person becomes obsessed with not having enough muscle. It is quite similar to anorexia in the sense the person has distorted body self-perception but people with this are focused more on building muscle. No matter how muscular they are, they feel as if that is not enough.
Bigorexia almost entirely affects men but cases of women having bigorexia have been documented. Most cases are of body builders.
First here are a few definitions you will need to know.
Eating disorder
Eating disorders are a condition defined by abnormal eating habits, both under eating and over eating, because of one's mental of physical health.
Binge eating (binging)
Binge eating is the uncontrollable consumption of large quantities of food.
Purging
Purging is the act of compensatory behaviour to controls one's weight after eating. Examples of purging are (but not limited to) using laxatives, self-induced vomiting, and/or over exercising.
So without any further complications here are a list of the most common eating disorders.
Anorexia Nervosa
 |
| Anorexia Nervosa is characterized by the refusal to eat. |
Anorexia is most prevalent in adolescent girls but recent studies have shown younger and younger children are also suffering from it. Also it is estimated that 1 in 4 anorexics are male though in recovery programs only 1 in 10 are males. This is because males are much likely to be diagnosed. It may affect anyone from any social, economical or cultural background.
Anorexics typically consume around 600-800 but cases of complete starvation have been documented. You do no have to be underweight to suffer from anorexia.
Bulimia Nervosa
Bulimia Nervosa (often called bulimia) is an eating disorder characterized by frequent episodes of eating large amounts of food uncontrollably (binge eating) as well as a compensatory behaviour intended to prevent excessive weight gain, often dubbed "purging". Examples of purging are using laxatives, self-induced vomiting, over exercising... etc. The key difference between bulimia and anorexia is anorexics do not purge.
 |
| An example of purging. |
People with bulimia are generally at a healthy weight. Bulimia is considered less life threatening than anorexia but studies have shown that is much more prevalent. It is believed that up to 1% of women suffer from this. Bulimia is nine times more common in females than males.
Binge Eating Disorder (BED)
The most common eating disorder but still not recognized as a separate eating disorder, Binge Eating Disorder (BED) is an eating disorder characterized by frequent episodes of binge eating (eating large amounts of food uncontrollably) without using compensatory behaviour (laxatives, self-induced vomiting, over exercising) to prevent weight gain. Usually these episodes last no more than two hours but some cases are shown to be different. They difference between BED and bulimia is that bulimics use compensatory methods to prevent weight gain.
 |
| Binge eating is the uncontrollable consumption of large quantities of food. |
Unlike anorexia and bulimia, the gender difference between the two are much smaller. Women are twice more likely to suffer from BED than men. Like anorexia, it may affect anyone from any social, economical or cultural background.
At the moment, people with BED are often diagnosed with an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) since it has not been recognized as a separate eating disorder.
Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS)
An EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) is diagnosis given to someone with an eating disorder that does not fit the criteria of anorexia, or bulimia. EDNOS symptoms and behaviors can vary widely. Someone with this could restrict their calorie intake for a day and then binge the next day or they could suffer from BED (many people with BED are diagnosed with EDNOS because BED is not recognized as an eating disorder).
EDNOS is as serious as any other eating disorder and should not be taken lightly.
Night Eating Syndrome (NES)
Night Eating Syndrome (NES) is an emerging eating disorder where a person eats very little during the day and binges at night. It is characterized by obsessively eating over half of their daily calories after eight o'clock.
The difference between NES and BED (Binge Eating Disorder) is that NES patients binge at night instead of throughout the day and generally snack instead of eating full meals. This is often seen as a way to cope with depression. People with NES also do not purge, differing it from bulimia.
 |
| People with orthorexia have an unhealthy obsession with eating healthy. |
Orthorexia Nervosa
Orthorexia Nervosa is relatively new compared with it's counterparts but is as deadly. Orthorexia is an eating disorder characterized by an obsession to eat "pure" foods. Put simply, they have an unhealthy obsession with eating healthy.
 |
| No matter how muscular they are, they feel as if that is not enough. |
Muscle Dysmorphia (Bigorexia)
Muscle dysmorphia, known informally as bigorexia is not necessarily an eating disorder but it does fall into the category of abnormal eating habits. Like its name, it is a disorder in which a person becomes obsessed with not having enough muscle. It is quite similar to anorexia in the sense the person has distorted body self-perception but people with this are focused more on building muscle. No matter how muscular they are, they feel as if that is not enough.
Bigorexia almost entirely affects men but cases of women having bigorexia have been documented. Most cases are of body builders.
May 05, 2013
Things NOT to say to Anorexics
Somethings that you might think are innocent enough to say to someone with anorexia are actually either very offensive or might cause them to lose more weight.
Here are some things you should avoid saying:
Can you give me some weight lose tips?
Yes I can give you weight lose tips but you might just die in the process.
Yes anorexics generally know quite a lot of weight lose tips but these tips are dangerous and life threatening. You will lose weight using these tips but they will probably be extremely unhealthy. You probably will lose a few pounds but as soon as you go back to your regular eating patterns, you will gain the weight back.
What to do instead.
If you really want to loose weight, eat healthy and moderately exercise. Do NOT join the ED community.
But I've seen you eat!
We are people too and that means we eat. Most people think anorexics completely stop eating. That is not the case. We mostly cut back on what we eat. We still will eat but not as much. When you say this to someone with an eating disorder, they might take it as an insult and start eating less.
What to do instead.
Don't comment about what they eat. Commenting about what they eat will make them quite nervous and not want to eat around you.
How much do you weigh?
Tell me how much you weigh first.
It's human nature to not want to tell other people your weight. Anorexics are no different. Would you like people asking you about your weight constantly? Probably not. So don't ask others this question.
What to do instead.
Don't make comments about their weight/shape/food intake. This will make them nervous and strain your relationship. Also they might want to cut back on food even more.
You're so thin it's unhealthy!
Thank you.
You might think this is an insult but most anorexics will call this a compliment. Armed with the motivation to lose more weight, they will cut back on food and exercise more intensely for more people to notice and for them to comment about it as well.
What to do instead.
Best thing to do, don't comment about their body. Their body is their body meaning that you have no right to be talking about it.
I have anorexia because I skipped a meal.
No. Just no.
Let me tell you a story. I have a friend named Erin and she is sort of a wannarexic. She says that she has anorexia because she doesn't eat breakfast. Okay you might have the symptom anorexia but you do NOT have Anorexia Nervosa! Skipping a meal does not mean you have an eating disorder.
Saying this is very, very offensive. When Erin said this, I was shocked. I couldn't believe she had just said that. I was very offended. I didn't say anything about it because she is a good friend but still, I was pissed.
Saying this is implying that eating disorders are a joke and everyone has one to a certain extent. Anorexia/bulimia/EDNOS are NOT jokes. They are serious mental illnesses that kill. Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness with 20% succumbing to their eating disorder and only 40% truly recover. Doesn't sound funny now does it?
What to do instead.
Just don't say it.
Eat something or (insert threat here)
Threatening them to eat is quite a stupid thing to do. Most people who do this actually have pure intentions but this is not the way to go.
Threats do not work. In all honesty, threatening them will only cause strain on your relationship. They will pull away from you and believe that you are the villain in the story. Also chances are they won't eat anything.
What to do instead.
Encourage them to eat. Don't force them to, encourage them. There is a difference.
Just snap out of it!
Trust me if I could, I would.
You cannot just snap out of an eating disorder. If that was the case then why would there be such a high mortality rate, eh?
It's not a state or mind, it is an illness. Saying "Just snap out of it!" to an anorexic is likes saying "Just snap out of it!" to a cancer victim. You cannot just snap out of it; it takes time to heal. Saying this will only strain your relationship.
What to do instead.
Like I said before, encourage them to get better. Don't force it upon them, encourage them.
Here are some things you should avoid saying:
Can you give me some weight lose tips?
Yes I can give you weight lose tips but you might just die in the process.
Yes anorexics generally know quite a lot of weight lose tips but these tips are dangerous and life threatening. You will lose weight using these tips but they will probably be extremely unhealthy. You probably will lose a few pounds but as soon as you go back to your regular eating patterns, you will gain the weight back.
What to do instead.
If you really want to loose weight, eat healthy and moderately exercise. Do NOT join the ED community.
But I've seen you eat!
We are people too and that means we eat. Most people think anorexics completely stop eating. That is not the case. We mostly cut back on what we eat. We still will eat but not as much. When you say this to someone with an eating disorder, they might take it as an insult and start eating less.
What to do instead.
Don't comment about what they eat. Commenting about what they eat will make them quite nervous and not want to eat around you.
How much do you weigh?
Tell me how much you weigh first.
It's human nature to not want to tell other people your weight. Anorexics are no different. Would you like people asking you about your weight constantly? Probably not. So don't ask others this question.
What to do instead.
Don't make comments about their weight/shape/food intake. This will make them nervous and strain your relationship. Also they might want to cut back on food even more.
You're so thin it's unhealthy!
Thank you.
You might think this is an insult but most anorexics will call this a compliment. Armed with the motivation to lose more weight, they will cut back on food and exercise more intensely for more people to notice and for them to comment about it as well.
What to do instead.
Best thing to do, don't comment about their body. Their body is their body meaning that you have no right to be talking about it.
I have anorexia because I skipped a meal.
No. Just no.
Let me tell you a story. I have a friend named Erin and she is sort of a wannarexic. She says that she has anorexia because she doesn't eat breakfast. Okay you might have the symptom anorexia but you do NOT have Anorexia Nervosa! Skipping a meal does not mean you have an eating disorder.
Saying this is very, very offensive. When Erin said this, I was shocked. I couldn't believe she had just said that. I was very offended. I didn't say anything about it because she is a good friend but still, I was pissed.
Saying this is implying that eating disorders are a joke and everyone has one to a certain extent. Anorexia/bulimia/EDNOS are NOT jokes. They are serious mental illnesses that kill. Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness with 20% succumbing to their eating disorder and only 40% truly recover. Doesn't sound funny now does it?
What to do instead.
Just don't say it.
Eat something or (insert threat here)
Threatening them to eat is quite a stupid thing to do. Most people who do this actually have pure intentions but this is not the way to go.
Threats do not work. In all honesty, threatening them will only cause strain on your relationship. They will pull away from you and believe that you are the villain in the story. Also chances are they won't eat anything.
What to do instead.
Encourage them to eat. Don't force them to, encourage them. There is a difference.
Just snap out of it!
Trust me if I could, I would.
You cannot just snap out of an eating disorder. If that was the case then why would there be such a high mortality rate, eh?
It's not a state or mind, it is an illness. Saying "Just snap out of it!" to an anorexic is likes saying "Just snap out of it!" to a cancer victim. You cannot just snap out of it; it takes time to heal. Saying this will only strain your relationship.
What to do instead.
Like I said before, encourage them to get better. Don't force it upon them, encourage them.
April 29, 2013
Autobiography
 |
| Cover |
I want to say that this was very hard for me to write. I've always kept my past life a secret and now it's out there, on the internet, for anyone and everyone to read. My life is filled with pain and struggle but at the same time hope and happiness. What doesn't kill me always makes me stronger at the end.
I decided to write this mainly because I was bored but also to tell people who have endured the same thing that it does get better. One day, everything will work out. I promise you that.
Here are some excerpts:
Perfect.
It is a word that haunts me. Memories of my past quickly flood my mind when it is spoken. All I wanted was to be perfect. I did anything and everything to achieve that. I didn't care about the consequences, all that mattered was that I was perfect.
So many people called me that. Now and then. On the outside, I might look that way but on the inside, I am the exact opposite. On the inside I am an emotional train wreck. Horrible mood swings, uncontrollable urges to drink, throwing up what I eat, are all part of my perfection.
I am perfectly imperfect. (Prologue)
XXX
“We want an abortion!” suddenly yelled Alex.
“An abortion?” questioned Golovkin. For someone who had sounded so confused, they seemed to be quite confident in their decision.
“Yes...” whispered Lucya. (March 30, 1998)
April 28, 2013
How did my Eating Disorder Start?
I've been asking myself this question for so long. How did my ED start? Did someone say something? Was it because of my biological parents? The police?
I don't know.
I don't know how my eating disorder started or why it did. This has been driving me insane not knowing the answer. Most doctors think that my ED is related to my upbringing. I was abused (physically and emotionally) and neglected as a child. By the age of seven, I was on the streets. I eventually was put into an orphanage. All I wanted was control. I couldn't control anything else in my life but my body. So that's what I did.
That's the doctor's theory. Whether it's true or now, I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know how my eating disorder started or why it did. This has been driving me insane not knowing the answer. Most doctors think that my ED is related to my upbringing. I was abused (physically and emotionally) and neglected as a child. By the age of seven, I was on the streets. I eventually was put into an orphanage. All I wanted was control. I couldn't control anything else in my life but my body. So that's what I did.
That's the doctor's theory. Whether it's true or now, I don't know.
April 10, 2013
Inpatient Mode!!!
Yesterday at around 11:00 Eastern Time, I was in bed, chatting with awesome people on kik (RussianAnorexic) and Twitter when my heart started to race. Well, I know for a fact that I have a very weak heart, so I didn't take notice of it. Seven years of an eating disorder can do that to you. Then about ten minutes later, my chest began to hurt and I had trouble breathing. Uh-oh, that ain't good. I had no idea what was going on so I decided to ask on Twitter if I should tell my dad:
I am quiet happy that at the time, we weren't at my farm. Long story short, the farm is were my adoptive parents live and where I use to live but I moved away after a huge fight we had. Well that farm is about a two hour drive from the nearest hospital. Glad I wasn't there...
Well, me and my girlfriend got into the car and he drove us to the emergency room. By that time, my legs began to feel like jello and I was a little dizzy. I told the nurse what was going on and she immediately got me hooked up to a machine. Before I knew it, and IV was in my hand and hospital staff were swarming around me. They took my blood pressure, blood sugar and a ton of other things. They then told me I was having a heart attack. Great....
They injected a ton of stuff in my IV and began asking me some general questions. At that time, my GF's dad called my adoptive parents and told them what was going on. After I told the nurse I suffered from an eating disorder she immediately asked me for my height and weight. I told her them I could tell she was shocked.
Within two hours, my little brother, obviously worried about me, come running into the hospital hugging me. We talked a little before I fell asleep (it was around two/three in the morning).
I woke up to my GF's dad talking on the phone. After a little while he hung up and I asked him what it was about. What he told me almost gave me another heart attack. I was going to an inpatient program to help me recover.
Crap!
Don't make me go!!!!
I pleaded with him but after what I had just went through, he didn't budge. So now, I'm going to be flying down to Southern Ontario because apparently none of the clinics in Northern Ontario will accept me or the waiting list is to long.
Right now, we (GF, GF's dad, and I) are getting ready to go to the airport to catch our flight. I am not excited. Like not what so ever. I don't want to recover!!! Why can't you understand that!!????
I have no idea how long I am going to be away for meaning that I can't update my Twitter, blog or anything ((((((
I'm going to miss you.
Stay strong,
Vladimir Popov
Umm my heart is beating crazy fast, my chest like really hurts and I'm having trouble breathing? Should I tell my parents?All most all the responses were "YES!!!". So, I woke up my GF's dad (I live with them and he has legal custody over me) and told him what was going on. He immediately said he thought that I was having a heart attack. Most of you would probably be like that's ridiculous, fourteen year olds don't get heart attacks but last month I had one. The main reason for that was because of my weak heart but also because I had just drank a huge cup of coffee. But, it was still scary as hell. This time, I hadn't been drinking coffee. I had only been sipping on diet coke almost five hours ago.
— ana's boy (@RussianAnorexic) April 9, 2013
 |
| This is what caused my last heart attack. |
I am quiet happy that at the time, we weren't at my farm. Long story short, the farm is were my adoptive parents live and where I use to live but I moved away after a huge fight we had. Well that farm is about a two hour drive from the nearest hospital. Glad I wasn't there...
Well, me and my girlfriend got into the car and he drove us to the emergency room. By that time, my legs began to feel like jello and I was a little dizzy. I told the nurse what was going on and she immediately got me hooked up to a machine. Before I knew it, and IV was in my hand and hospital staff were swarming around me. They took my blood pressure, blood sugar and a ton of other things. They then told me I was having a heart attack. Great....
They injected a ton of stuff in my IV and began asking me some general questions. At that time, my GF's dad called my adoptive parents and told them what was going on. After I told the nurse I suffered from an eating disorder she immediately asked me for my height and weight. I told her them I could tell she was shocked.
Within two hours, my little brother, obviously worried about me, come running into the hospital hugging me. We talked a little before I fell asleep (it was around two/three in the morning).
I woke up to my GF's dad talking on the phone. After a little while he hung up and I asked him what it was about. What he told me almost gave me another heart attack. I was going to an inpatient program to help me recover.
Crap!Don't make me go!!!!
I pleaded with him but after what I had just went through, he didn't budge. So now, I'm going to be flying down to Southern Ontario because apparently none of the clinics in Northern Ontario will accept me or the waiting list is to long.
Right now, we (GF, GF's dad, and I) are getting ready to go to the airport to catch our flight. I am not excited. Like not what so ever. I don't want to recover!!! Why can't you understand that!!????
I have no idea how long I am going to be away for meaning that I can't update my Twitter, blog or anything ((((((
I'm going to miss you.
Stay strong,
Vladimir Popov
April 09, 2013
Это называется свобода слова!!!!!
Titled translates into "It's called freedom of speech!!!!!"
I am absolutely pissed off at Facebook. More than I was when I found out that my little brother drank all my Coke Zero and I was pissed at him. Well, I made a Facebook page (username RussianAnorexic) titled "Pro Ana" designed to help people who suffer from an eating disorder but do not wish to recover. Well it got about 80 likes before Facebook decided to be an ass and deleted it.
Well today I woke up and decided to check my email. I had about twelve emails from twitter. I quickly scanned through them before deleting them. Then I saw it. The email was titled "Facebook Warning". I thought maybe I did something wrong, like posting to many stats in one go but it wasn't like that. It was a notice about my Facebook page "Pro Ana". I didn't know what to think so I continued to read. Here are some direct quotes from the email:
"You are receiving this message because a friend is concerned about something you posted on Facebook."
None of my friends know about that page...
"Facebook is working with the National Eating Disorders Association to provide resources to our users and to support those struggling with eating disorders."
Well, deleting a page meant to support those who do not wish to recover is NOT supporting those struggling with eating disorders. So many pages post things that say that you must recover. I disagree with these pages. Recovery is a personal choice and not something to be forced upon. You are not supporting anyone by saying that you must recover.
In some sense, I understand what they were doing. Probably over 75% of the people on that page were wannorexics. Mind you that I do not hate wannorexics for their thinking, I hate them for posting stuff onto sites meant for people actually struggling with an eating disorder. Honestly, I wanted to scream at them. I really did. It was ridiculous the things they were posting. I don't have any screen shots but I do remember some stuff.
Most messages that I got went along the lines of this:
"Hey I just started with Ana. Can you give me some tips?"
First off, you can't just start with anorexia. Second, if you are actually anorexic, you wouldn't be asking for tips. I didn't even know about the anorexic community on the internet until like last year and I've suffered from an eating disorder for seven years!! For all that time, I knew all the common "tips" that people posted.
In conclusion, I'm still pissed off that Facebook does not allow freedom of speech. I live in Canada not North Korea! I have a voice! Will it be silenced? Never!!! During the Cold War I understand but that was over like twenty years ago! I am pissed and I will always be. So Twitter, you are better than Facebook.
I am absolutely pissed off at Facebook. More than I was when I found out that my little brother drank all my Coke Zero and I was pissed at him. Well, I made a Facebook page (username RussianAnorexic) titled "Pro Ana" designed to help people who suffer from an eating disorder but do not wish to recover. Well it got about 80 likes before Facebook decided to be an ass and deleted it.
Well today I woke up and decided to check my email. I had about twelve emails from twitter. I quickly scanned through them before deleting them. Then I saw it. The email was titled "Facebook Warning". I thought maybe I did something wrong, like posting to many stats in one go but it wasn't like that. It was a notice about my Facebook page "Pro Ana". I didn't know what to think so I continued to read. Here are some direct quotes from the email:
 |
| Yeah...no |
"You are receiving this message because a friend is concerned about something you posted on Facebook."
None of my friends know about that page...
"Facebook is working with the National Eating Disorders Association to provide resources to our users and to support those struggling with eating disorders."
Well, deleting a page meant to support those who do not wish to recover is NOT supporting those struggling with eating disorders. So many pages post things that say that you must recover. I disagree with these pages. Recovery is a personal choice and not something to be forced upon. You are not supporting anyone by saying that you must recover.
In some sense, I understand what they were doing. Probably over 75% of the people on that page were wannorexics. Mind you that I do not hate wannorexics for their thinking, I hate them for posting stuff onto sites meant for people actually struggling with an eating disorder. Honestly, I wanted to scream at them. I really did. It was ridiculous the things they were posting. I don't have any screen shots but I do remember some stuff.
Most messages that I got went along the lines of this:
"Hey I just started with Ana. Can you give me some tips?"
First off, you can't just start with anorexia. Second, if you are actually anorexic, you wouldn't be asking for tips. I didn't even know about the anorexic community on the internet until like last year and I've suffered from an eating disorder for seven years!! For all that time, I knew all the common "tips" that people posted.
In conclusion, I'm still pissed off that Facebook does not allow freedom of speech. I live in Canada not North Korea! I have a voice! Will it be silenced? Never!!! During the Cold War I understand but that was over like twenty years ago! I am pissed and I will always be. So Twitter, you are better than Facebook.
March 22, 2013
Yes, I am Bulimic
I usually only tell people that I'm anorexic because I feel as if I have concurred my bulimia. I was quite wrong.
Back in Russia I would starve myself on some days and on others I would binge horribly. After I binged, I would lock myself in the bathroom and purge my guts out. The acidic feeling in my throat hurt so much but at the same time it felt so good. I was getting rid of the food in my belly. At the time my parents did not know what to do. They thought it was a phase.
When I moved to Canada, I promised myself that I would not starve or binge ever again. I guess I succeed in that sense. I gained thirty pounds and finally began to look healthy. But that all changed in the summer of 2012. I felt as if I was too fat so I began to restrict my diet. Before I knew it I went back to my anorexic ways. I never purged until a few days ago. I went on a horrible binge. I ate an entire medium sized pizza. I just couldn't stop myself from eating. It was disgusting. Afterwards, I locked myself in the bathroom and stuck my finger down my throat. It felt good.
I never want to purge again but I probably will in the near future. I haven't been on a huge binge since then but I am still scared. I hate myself for purging yet I also love to purge. Eating disorders honestly make no sense.
Back in Russia I would starve myself on some days and on others I would binge horribly. After I binged, I would lock myself in the bathroom and purge my guts out. The acidic feeling in my throat hurt so much but at the same time it felt so good. I was getting rid of the food in my belly. At the time my parents did not know what to do. They thought it was a phase.
When I moved to Canada, I promised myself that I would not starve or binge ever again. I guess I succeed in that sense. I gained thirty pounds and finally began to look healthy. But that all changed in the summer of 2012. I felt as if I was too fat so I began to restrict my diet. Before I knew it I went back to my anorexic ways. I never purged until a few days ago. I went on a horrible binge. I ate an entire medium sized pizza. I just couldn't stop myself from eating. It was disgusting. Afterwards, I locked myself in the bathroom and stuck my finger down my throat. It felt good.
I never want to purge again but I probably will in the near future. I haven't been on a huge binge since then but I am still scared. I hate myself for purging yet I also love to purge. Eating disorders honestly make no sense.
March 18, 2013
I'm Not Perfect
I've received a lot of tweets on twitter and also something on Ask.fm pertaining to me being perfect. I am not perfect! I know that these people are completing me but I am not perfect. No one is. Everyone has problems. I am a messed up child if anything. So here is a list of things of why I am not perfect:
- My name is Vladimir. Yeah....
- I have a very thick Russian accent. It is quite hard to understand what I'm saying.
- I'm short. I'm 5'5. For a guy, that's short.
- I'm anorexic.
- I am bulimic.
- I have no muscles mostly because of my anorexia.
- I was abused as a child.
- I was bullied at school.
- I am bullied online.
- I'm adopted.
- I drink at least two bottles of vodka a week.
- I was a chain smoker.
- I sniffed glue.
- I suffer from ADHD.
- I suffer from OCD.
- If I continue with my anorexic tendencies I will be dead before 30.
- I spend at least 2 hours a day playing video games. NERD!!!
- I spend at least 4 hours on the internet every day.
- I swear a lot. Like A LOT.
- I hate my body.
- I have suicidal tendencies.
- I know nothing about American football. Like nothing!! I just found out what the NFL was....
- I cannot sing. Like my voice sounds horrible.
- I have no sense of fashion.
March 12, 2013
Major Changes to this Blog
Since creating my twitter account, I really wanted to create a blog about my battle with anorexia. Even before I moved to Canada, I have always struggled with my relationship with food and loving my body. Back in Russia I use to throw up every meal I ate. Some days I would eat up to 3000 calories in one go while other days I would starve myself. Either way, I threw up what was in my stomach. I absolutely hate my body. Where other people see bones I see fat. I just want to be happy with myself.
I am not pro anorexic but I am also not pro recovery. I am somewhere in-between. I desperately want to gain weight but at the same time I don't. It's really hard to explain but if you ask someone who suffers from an eating disorder, they will probably say the same thing.
My old blog was called rantingrussian.blogspot.ca. I have changed it to russiananorexic.blogspot.ca.
I am not pro anorexic but I am also not pro recovery. I am somewhere in-between. I desperately want to gain weight but at the same time I don't. It's really hard to explain but if you ask someone who suffers from an eating disorder, they will probably say the same thing.
My old blog was called rantingrussian.blogspot.ca. I have changed it to russiananorexic.blogspot.ca.
March 11, 2013
Heart Attack at 14
A few days ago I was hanging out at the mall with my girlfriend and a few friends. We were walking to the food court when a wave of dizziness hit me. I suffer from anorexia so I just assumed it was blood not getting to my brain. If you don't know, dizziness is a common in anorexics. I waved it off but then I felt my chest tighten up and I began to gasp for air. I don't suffer from asthma or anything like that so this scarred me. Luckily we had reached the food court. I immediately sat down. When my friends asked me if I was okay I just said that blood wasn't reaching my head and I needed to sit down. All of them knew I suffered from anorexia so they gave me space. But I knew this wasn't like my little fainting spells.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of air. I tried to stand up but I felt as if my legs were jelly. I sat back down and continued to breathe deeply. By this time I was covered in a layer of cold sweat. My friend Oliver had finished ordering his food and asked me again if I was okay. I said I felt as if I was going to die. He asked if me if he should call an ambulance and I said yes.
I don't remember what happened in the next few minutes because I was focusing on breathing. Honestly it felt like there was an elephant on my chest. Not a pleasant feeling. I remember my girlfriend hugging me and telling me everything was going to be okay. I think at the time mall security came but I don't really remember.
Another few minutes passed when finally medical staff came. They asked a few questions and took my pulse. They then told me that I had was having a heart attack. Wait a second... I'm 14. 14 year olds are suppose to be hanging out and having fun not having a heart attack.
This was probably one of the scariest things that ever happened to me and I've been body checked by a man who was over a foot taller than me. In the end the doctor related my heart attack with my anorexia. At about 5'5, I weigh around 91lbs. I know on the internet there is a lot of pro anorexic sites that idolize this disease, but anorexia is not something to be idolized. It is a horrible mental illness that slowly eats away at your life. All I want to do is recover from this illness. I want to be a professional hockey player but the way I'm going, I'll be lucky if I live till 30.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of air. I tried to stand up but I felt as if my legs were jelly. I sat back down and continued to breathe deeply. By this time I was covered in a layer of cold sweat. My friend Oliver had finished ordering his food and asked me again if I was okay. I said I felt as if I was going to die. He asked if me if he should call an ambulance and I said yes.
I don't remember what happened in the next few minutes because I was focusing on breathing. Honestly it felt like there was an elephant on my chest. Not a pleasant feeling. I remember my girlfriend hugging me and telling me everything was going to be okay. I think at the time mall security came but I don't really remember.
Another few minutes passed when finally medical staff came. They asked a few questions and took my pulse. They then told me that I had was having a heart attack. Wait a second... I'm 14. 14 year olds are suppose to be hanging out and having fun not having a heart attack.
This was probably one of the scariest things that ever happened to me and I've been body checked by a man who was over a foot taller than me. In the end the doctor related my heart attack with my anorexia. At about 5'5, I weigh around 91lbs. I know on the internet there is a lot of pro anorexic sites that idolize this disease, but anorexia is not something to be idolized. It is a horrible mental illness that slowly eats away at your life. All I want to do is recover from this illness. I want to be a professional hockey player but the way I'm going, I'll be lucky if I live till 30.