I usually only tell people that I'm anorexic because I feel as if I have concurred my bulimia. I was quite wrong.
Back in Russia I would starve myself on some days and on others I would binge horribly. After I binged, I would lock myself in the bathroom and purge my guts out. The acidic feeling in my throat hurt so much but at the same time it felt so good. I was getting rid of the food in my belly. At the time my parents did not know what to do. They thought it was a phase.
When I moved to Canada, I promised myself that I would not starve or binge ever again. I guess I succeed in that sense. I gained thirty pounds and finally began to look healthy. But that all changed in the summer of 2012. I felt as if I was too fat so I began to restrict my diet. Before I knew it I went back to my anorexic ways. I never purged until a few days ago. I went on a horrible binge. I ate an entire medium sized pizza. I just couldn't stop myself from eating. It was disgusting. Afterwards, I locked myself in the bathroom and stuck my finger down my throat. It felt good.
I never want to purge again but I probably will in the near future. I haven't been on a huge binge since then but I am still scared. I hate myself for purging yet I also love to purge. Eating disorders honestly make no sense.
March 22, 2013
March 18, 2013
I'm Not Perfect
I've received a lot of tweets on twitter and also something on Ask.fm pertaining to me being perfect. I am not perfect! I know that these people are completing me but I am not perfect. No one is. Everyone has problems. I am a messed up child if anything. So here is a list of things of why I am not perfect:
- My name is Vladimir. Yeah....
- I have a very thick Russian accent. It is quite hard to understand what I'm saying.
- I'm short. I'm 5'5. For a guy, that's short.
- I'm anorexic.
- I am bulimic.
- I have no muscles mostly because of my anorexia.
- I was abused as a child.
- I was bullied at school.
- I am bullied online.
- I'm adopted.
- I drink at least two bottles of vodka a week.
- I was a chain smoker.
- I sniffed glue.
- I suffer from ADHD.
- I suffer from OCD.
- If I continue with my anorexic tendencies I will be dead before 30.
- I spend at least 2 hours a day playing video games. NERD!!!
- I spend at least 4 hours on the internet every day.
- I swear a lot. Like A LOT.
- I hate my body.
- I have suicidal tendencies.
- I know nothing about American football. Like nothing!! I just found out what the NFL was....
- I cannot sing. Like my voice sounds horrible.
- I have no sense of fashion.
March 12, 2013
Major Changes to this Blog
Since creating my twitter account, I really wanted to create a blog about my battle with anorexia. Even before I moved to Canada, I have always struggled with my relationship with food and loving my body. Back in Russia I use to throw up every meal I ate. Some days I would eat up to 3000 calories in one go while other days I would starve myself. Either way, I threw up what was in my stomach. I absolutely hate my body. Where other people see bones I see fat. I just want to be happy with myself.
I am not pro anorexic but I am also not pro recovery. I am somewhere in-between. I desperately want to gain weight but at the same time I don't. It's really hard to explain but if you ask someone who suffers from an eating disorder, they will probably say the same thing.
My old blog was called rantingrussian.blogspot.ca. I have changed it to russiananorexic.blogspot.ca.
I am not pro anorexic but I am also not pro recovery. I am somewhere in-between. I desperately want to gain weight but at the same time I don't. It's really hard to explain but if you ask someone who suffers from an eating disorder, they will probably say the same thing.
My old blog was called rantingrussian.blogspot.ca. I have changed it to russiananorexic.blogspot.ca.
March 11, 2013
Heart Attack at 14
A few days ago I was hanging out at the mall with my girlfriend and a few friends. We were walking to the food court when a wave of dizziness hit me. I suffer from anorexia so I just assumed it was blood not getting to my brain. If you don't know, dizziness is a common in anorexics. I waved it off but then I felt my chest tighten up and I began to gasp for air. I don't suffer from asthma or anything like that so this scarred me. Luckily we had reached the food court. I immediately sat down. When my friends asked me if I was okay I just said that blood wasn't reaching my head and I needed to sit down. All of them knew I suffered from anorexia so they gave me space. But I knew this wasn't like my little fainting spells.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of air. I tried to stand up but I felt as if my legs were jelly. I sat back down and continued to breathe deeply. By this time I was covered in a layer of cold sweat. My friend Oliver had finished ordering his food and asked me again if I was okay. I said I felt as if I was going to die. He asked if me if he should call an ambulance and I said yes.
I don't remember what happened in the next few minutes because I was focusing on breathing. Honestly it felt like there was an elephant on my chest. Not a pleasant feeling. I remember my girlfriend hugging me and telling me everything was going to be okay. I think at the time mall security came but I don't really remember.
Another few minutes passed when finally medical staff came. They asked a few questions and took my pulse. They then told me that I had was having a heart attack. Wait a second... I'm 14. 14 year olds are suppose to be hanging out and having fun not having a heart attack.
This was probably one of the scariest things that ever happened to me and I've been body checked by a man who was over a foot taller than me. In the end the doctor related my heart attack with my anorexia. At about 5'5, I weigh around 91lbs. I know on the internet there is a lot of pro anorexic sites that idolize this disease, but anorexia is not something to be idolized. It is a horrible mental illness that slowly eats away at your life. All I want to do is recover from this illness. I want to be a professional hockey player but the way I'm going, I'll be lucky if I live till 30.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of air. I tried to stand up but I felt as if my legs were jelly. I sat back down and continued to breathe deeply. By this time I was covered in a layer of cold sweat. My friend Oliver had finished ordering his food and asked me again if I was okay. I said I felt as if I was going to die. He asked if me if he should call an ambulance and I said yes.
I don't remember what happened in the next few minutes because I was focusing on breathing. Honestly it felt like there was an elephant on my chest. Not a pleasant feeling. I remember my girlfriend hugging me and telling me everything was going to be okay. I think at the time mall security came but I don't really remember.
Another few minutes passed when finally medical staff came. They asked a few questions and took my pulse. They then told me that I had was having a heart attack. Wait a second... I'm 14. 14 year olds are suppose to be hanging out and having fun not having a heart attack.
This was probably one of the scariest things that ever happened to me and I've been body checked by a man who was over a foot taller than me. In the end the doctor related my heart attack with my anorexia. At about 5'5, I weigh around 91lbs. I know on the internet there is a lot of pro anorexic sites that idolize this disease, but anorexia is not something to be idolized. It is a horrible mental illness that slowly eats away at your life. All I want to do is recover from this illness. I want to be a professional hockey player but the way I'm going, I'll be lucky if I live till 30.
February 24, 2013
Pissed Off
I'm am really pissed off right now. There is a person on LiveJournal claiming that I am not a real person. Funny how this person is saying these things when they have no evidence. I am not going to give the name of the account because I do not know if this is a simple misunderstanding or something else. But, if you ever come across this person I just want to say that they are wrong.
They said that I am a sock because I visited their journal multiple times and my story is similar to someone that they had trouble with a few months ago. It's a journal, it's meant to be viewed. When I first got my LiveJournal account I was visiting hundreds of journals in one day. We share a common interest in Hawaii Five-0, it's not surprise that I visited their journal. Also this person had trouble with an individual a few months ago. This person was also a teenage boy living in Canada. We were interested in about the same things. Canada is a big country. There are over 30 million people. I guarantee you that there is more than one teenage boy who likes Hawaii Five-0. And if you are going to say that every teenage boy that likes Hawaii Five-0 is fake, well good luck.
Also they said that because of a recent information change, that meant I was definitely a sock. I changed my information because of privacy issues. I recently posted on a forum about a bully and most people on it said that I gave away too much information on my profile. I have a habit of talking too much even on a profile. That is why I changed my name and information. I still have the same story but I just cut out some spots. If you knew my story before the information change, I want to say that is my official story. The only thing that changed is that I moved into my girlfriend's house after an incident with my parents.
So to this person, I am not fake. The fact that you are implying that is an insult to my family name. Imagine that you were in my shoes and that somebody kept commenting that you were fake. How would you feel?
Update (Mar. 3, 2013)
I'm just going to leave this mater to rest. This person obviously has nothing better to do than to bully me. They are acting like an immature ten year old who bullies others when their parents look away. I will not longer 'feed' this troll.
They said that I am a sock because I visited their journal multiple times and my story is similar to someone that they had trouble with a few months ago. It's a journal, it's meant to be viewed. When I first got my LiveJournal account I was visiting hundreds of journals in one day. We share a common interest in Hawaii Five-0, it's not surprise that I visited their journal. Also this person had trouble with an individual a few months ago. This person was also a teenage boy living in Canada. We were interested in about the same things. Canada is a big country. There are over 30 million people. I guarantee you that there is more than one teenage boy who likes Hawaii Five-0. And if you are going to say that every teenage boy that likes Hawaii Five-0 is fake, well good luck.
Also they said that because of a recent information change, that meant I was definitely a sock. I changed my information because of privacy issues. I recently posted on a forum about a bully and most people on it said that I gave away too much information on my profile. I have a habit of talking too much even on a profile. That is why I changed my name and information. I still have the same story but I just cut out some spots. If you knew my story before the information change, I want to say that is my official story. The only thing that changed is that I moved into my girlfriend's house after an incident with my parents.
So to this person, I am not fake. The fact that you are implying that is an insult to my family name. Imagine that you were in my shoes and that somebody kept commenting that you were fake. How would you feel?
Update (Mar. 3, 2013)
I'm just going to leave this mater to rest. This person obviously has nothing better to do than to bully me. They are acting like an immature ten year old who bullies others when their parents look away. I will not longer 'feed' this troll.
February 05, 2013
Why I Disagree with PETA
This is going to be a quick rant about the Canadian seal hunt and PETA.
Every year tens and thousands of baby seals are killed for their fur in Canada. They are shot and beaten to death. You can see that Grace Park is against this but I am... not. Why? Because what are we going to do when the seal population grows too high? What are we going to do when seals are dying because there is not enough food to sustain such a large population? What are we going to do when seals start to destroy the aquatic ecosystem? What are we going to do when Canada’s export value goes down?
Yes I disagree with beating a seal to death but it is something that we have to do. It is a way of population control just like China’s one child policy. If there was another way to reduce the population I would be guessing that the government would employ it. But I don’t think seals will really obey the one seal baby policy. I know you will probably hate me for this but I just don’t see the point in PETA advocating for Canada to stop this. I feel that they should maybe change the way they kill these seals but stopping the seal hunt will cause even greater difficulties. You have to remember to always look at the consequences of such actions.
Okay this brings me to the topic of PETA. I do NOT support PETA. I think they’re ideas are too farfetched and right next to impossible. Their slogan is ‘Animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment’. I find this funny because they support adoption of cats and dogs yet they say animals are not to be used as entertainment. Last time I checked my dog entertained me. Talk about hypocrisy.
Also ‘Animals are not ours to eat’? That does not make that much sense. I admit now we have the technology to sustain a vegetarian or vegan diet but two thousand years ago I don’t think that was possible. So animals are sort of ours to eat.
They say they want to stop factory farming. I am sort of torn on that. I live on an organic egg farm; these chickens were free ranged and no antibiotics where given to them. I never experienced a factory farm first hand but I have heard stories. So let’s think about the two sides. If we stop factory farming food prices would go up causing some people to go hungry. But this would help the obesity crises by eliminating cheap fast food (ex. McDonalds). I think about 800 million people are malnourished and 1 billion people are overweight (not sure) so some people might see it as a no brainer to ban factory farming. But what about the economy? Honestly I feel this topic is personal for the majority of people.
What I find really stupid is that PETA says that animals are not ours to experiment on. I admit experimenting to see if lipstick is poisonous is pointless but what about medication eh? How did they find the medication to cure polio? Sacrificing two animals to save the whole species of animals seems to make more since than letting the whole species die off.
So, what do you think?
Every year tens and thousands of baby seals are killed for their fur in Canada. They are shot and beaten to death. You can see that Grace Park is against this but I am... not. Why? Because what are we going to do when the seal population grows too high? What are we going to do when seals are dying because there is not enough food to sustain such a large population? What are we going to do when seals start to destroy the aquatic ecosystem? What are we going to do when Canada’s export value goes down?
Yes I disagree with beating a seal to death but it is something that we have to do. It is a way of population control just like China’s one child policy. If there was another way to reduce the population I would be guessing that the government would employ it. But I don’t think seals will really obey the one seal baby policy. I know you will probably hate me for this but I just don’t see the point in PETA advocating for Canada to stop this. I feel that they should maybe change the way they kill these seals but stopping the seal hunt will cause even greater difficulties. You have to remember to always look at the consequences of such actions.
Okay this brings me to the topic of PETA. I do NOT support PETA. I think they’re ideas are too farfetched and right next to impossible. Their slogan is ‘Animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment’. I find this funny because they support adoption of cats and dogs yet they say animals are not to be used as entertainment. Last time I checked my dog entertained me. Talk about hypocrisy.Also ‘Animals are not ours to eat’? That does not make that much sense. I admit now we have the technology to sustain a vegetarian or vegan diet but two thousand years ago I don’t think that was possible. So animals are sort of ours to eat.
They say they want to stop factory farming. I am sort of torn on that. I live on an organic egg farm; these chickens were free ranged and no antibiotics where given to them. I never experienced a factory farm first hand but I have heard stories. So let’s think about the two sides. If we stop factory farming food prices would go up causing some people to go hungry. But this would help the obesity crises by eliminating cheap fast food (ex. McDonalds). I think about 800 million people are malnourished and 1 billion people are overweight (not sure) so some people might see it as a no brainer to ban factory farming. But what about the economy? Honestly I feel this topic is personal for the majority of people.
What I find really stupid is that PETA says that animals are not ours to experiment on. I admit experimenting to see if lipstick is poisonous is pointless but what about medication eh? How did they find the medication to cure polio? Sacrificing two animals to save the whole species of animals seems to make more since than letting the whole species die off.
So, what do you think?
February 02, 2013
My Bullying Story
Bullying
sucks. No doubt about it. So why do people bully? Because they are
scared, weak, and all round pathetic. Back in Russia, I was known as
the peace maker and I always broke up fights and stood up for the
people that were affected by bullying. Guess that's who I am. But now
that I live in Canada, things are different.
First off I want to say, it gets better. This may sound cheesy but
it's true. To anyone that is being bullied out there, it really does
get better. Stay strong and be yourself; you can make it through. I
am not saying that because that's what society wants me to say but
I'm saying this because I was bullied myself. When I first came to
Canada, everyone picked on me because I was Russian. I spoke in a
funny accent, that meant I was to be harassed. I always stood up for
myself but being surrounded by bystanders that did nothing, a
different environment, didn't help.
Within the first week I decided it was right to talk to my teacher (my parents were busy working so I decided not to concern them). Well, let's say my teacher is an asshole. He was born and raised in America during the Cold War. So, he naturally hated me right off the bat. When I told him about my classmates bullying me, he just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Didn't see them doing anything to you.” This is funny because in his class, my classmates are contently sending my harassing notes, excluding me, and throwing stuff at my head. He just turned a blind eye.
The bullying at school declined but that didn't mean is was smooth sailing away. I decided to bring this matter up with the principal. I told him about what some people were doing to me and how some teachers were turning a blind eye. He immediately took action and talked to those students that I named. He was able to stop the playground bullying but cyberbullying was another story. I created a Facebook account meaning that my classmates could cyberbully me. Yay me! I blocked the majority of them but not before they sent harassing messages and left nasty comments.
A couple of months later, my friend (yes I do have a few), said that they found a blog talking about how bad I was. I decided to take a look at the blog and found it quite offensive. This is what they said about me:
“He is a fucking Russian skinhead who can only think about having sex. You know what, I'm pretty sure he's wanted for rape back in Russia. He has already had sex with his girlfriend that he claims he loves. Well if he loved her he wouldn't have ditched her when she found out she was pregnant. Ya he ditched her for a hotter chick.”
Okay now that crossed the line. Saying that I was wanted for rape! What the hell is wrong with you people. What did I ever do to you!? I love my girlfriend and I would never ever leave her! The blog has since been deleted.
I have always found myself asking “What did I do to deserve this?” Well these are the main reasons why they bullied me:
It just bothers me that people will bully someone just because they are jealous of them. Even nerds. People bully these people because they're jealous of how smart they are! I know I'm stereotyping now but it's true! Bullies bully people for one of two reasons. The first is that they are jealous. The second is that they are an emotional wreck and need to take it out on somebody.
I hate bullying. I don't understand why people do it and I don't understand why people just turn a blind eye! Stand up! That is all I have to say! You have to stand up in what you believe in! If you see someone being hurt, don't just ignore them. Help them out. You don't even need to confront the bully, just help the victim up! It's that simple and I hope one day people will stand up and help those that need a hand.
First off I want to say, it gets better. This may sound cheesy but
it's true. To anyone that is being bullied out there, it really does
get better. Stay strong and be yourself; you can make it through. I
am not saying that because that's what society wants me to say but
I'm saying this because I was bullied myself. When I first came to
Canada, everyone picked on me because I was Russian. I spoke in a
funny accent, that meant I was to be harassed. I always stood up for
myself but being surrounded by bystanders that did nothing, a
different environment, didn't help.
Within the first week I decided it was right to talk to my teacher (my parents were busy working so I decided not to concern them). Well, let's say my teacher is an asshole. He was born and raised in America during the Cold War. So, he naturally hated me right off the bat. When I told him about my classmates bullying me, he just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Didn't see them doing anything to you.” This is funny because in his class, my classmates are contently sending my harassing notes, excluding me, and throwing stuff at my head. He just turned a blind eye.
The bullying at school declined but that didn't mean is was smooth sailing away. I decided to bring this matter up with the principal. I told him about what some people were doing to me and how some teachers were turning a blind eye. He immediately took action and talked to those students that I named. He was able to stop the playground bullying but cyberbullying was another story. I created a Facebook account meaning that my classmates could cyberbully me. Yay me! I blocked the majority of them but not before they sent harassing messages and left nasty comments.
A couple of months later, my friend (yes I do have a few), said that they found a blog talking about how bad I was. I decided to take a look at the blog and found it quite offensive. This is what they said about me:
“He is a fucking Russian skinhead who can only think about having sex. You know what, I'm pretty sure he's wanted for rape back in Russia. He has already had sex with his girlfriend that he claims he loves. Well if he loved her he wouldn't have ditched her when she found out she was pregnant. Ya he ditched her for a hotter chick.”
Okay now that crossed the line. Saying that I was wanted for rape! What the hell is wrong with you people. What did I ever do to you!? I love my girlfriend and I would never ever leave her! The blog has since been deleted.
I have always found myself asking “What did I do to deserve this?” Well these are the main reasons why they bullied me:
- I started dating the hottest girl in the school.
- I am a Niall Horan lookalike.
It just bothers me that people will bully someone just because they are jealous of them. Even nerds. People bully these people because they're jealous of how smart they are! I know I'm stereotyping now but it's true! Bullies bully people for one of two reasons. The first is that they are jealous. The second is that they are an emotional wreck and need to take it out on somebody.
I hate bullying. I don't understand why people do it and I don't understand why people just turn a blind eye! Stand up! That is all I have to say! You have to stand up in what you believe in! If you see someone being hurt, don't just ignore them. Help them out. You don't even need to confront the bully, just help the victim up! It's that simple and I hope one day people will stand up and help those that need a hand.