January 03, 2021

Call it what it is; a second wave

I can't tell you exactly what I do for a living. I'm also not supposed to talk about this but there are certain things I need to share. If my superiors find out, I could be out of a job.

Its no secret that Russia's response to the COVID-19 pandemic was inadequate. The Russian government declared the country had COVID under control and began lifting quarantine restrictions in May. Russia was lucky in that we saw a decrease in COVID cases over the summer. However, the government failed to take advantage of the low-season to prepare for the inevitable second wave. The second wave sure as hell happened. And, it hit hard. Especially in the remote regions. 

I spent 2 months supporting health professionals in a rural part of Russia. What I saw was chilling. 

Hospitals overflowing with dying patients. Corridors filled with body bags. Doctors passing out after being worked past exhaustion. Children begging to see their grandparents one more time. 

I met a young woman. I will call her Marina. Her grandfather was sick. She begged us to admit her ailing grandfather. We had to turn them away. We didn't have any open beds. I saw her a week later when I was on break. She revealed her grandfather had passed away just three days after we turned him away.

We're so focused on developing this vaccine that we forgot to invest in healthcare infrastructure. There's not enough beds, not enough oxygen, not enough doctors, not enough medics.  

This has disproportionally effected the poorer, more rural areas of Russia. Although spared by the first wave, they are now on the forefront of Russia's battle against COVID-19.

The Kremlin has refused to acknowledge the need to lockdown the country due to the second wave. Despite the morbid reality of the situation, they still say the pandemic is under control. My superiors refuse to call it the "second wave". When asked why, they refused to elaborate. 

November 14, 2020

Blog name

I've been thinking of changing the name of this blog. I originally created it as a place for me to talk about my struggles with my eating disorder, hence the name "Russian Anorexic". But, I've since recovered and have moved on. I want to keep the name as a memory of the struggles I went through to recover and so my old fans from my Twitter days can still find me. But the name is not relevant anymore. 

There's also the issue of if you google "Russian Anorexic", the first hit is my blog. But, the next hits are from pornographic websites. Not something I want to associate with. 

I've already changed the name of my blog once. Back in early 2013, I changed it from "Ranting Russian" to "Russian Anorexic" to capture the shift in focus from stupid everyday rants to posts about eating disorders. Why not do it again now that there's a second shift in focus? 

If you one day notice this blog has a different name, now you know why. 

Vladik

October 02, 2020

A country of raw beauty

After I finished all my training in Russia, I was sent to Dushanbe, the capital of Tajikistan. Now, I grew up a city boy in Russia. I was then forced to become a country boy overnight when I moved to Canada. I might have lived on a farm but I was never really an outdoors person. Tajikistan changed that.

During the summer, I had the chance to explore the absolute raw beauty of Tajikistan's mountain ranges. I went on a 3 day trekking trip with a few of my Russian friends in the Fann Mountains in the Pamirs.

My new phone screensaver.
This was my first time trekking and it was breathtaking. The clear blue skies, the green-tinted lakes lakes, the snow-covered mountain peaks in the distance. I've never seen such raw beauty. 

Tajikistan is a country of raw beauty. The city boy in me has slowly been transformed into an outdoorsman as I take in the beauty of this mountainous country. Even in Dushanbe, I see the silhouette of the Fann Mountains in the distance. 

I never thought I'd fall in love with a small landlocked, Muslim country in Central Asia, bordering Afghanistan of all places. Tajikistan is a poor country. Like most Soviet republics, Tajikistan was thrown into chaos following the collapse of the USSR. A civil war broke out as civil uprest broke out across southern Tajikistan. 

Remnants of Tajikistan's Soviet past still remain. Most Tajiks still speak Russian. It is often said, to climb the social ladder, you must speak Russian. Many Tajiks also work abroad in Russia to support their families. 

I'm currently trying to learn Tajiki. Its a dialect of Persian, similar to Dari in Afghanistan or Farsi in Iran. Tajikistan uses the Cyrillic alphabet, another remnant of its Soviet past, which lucky for me, makes learning it much easier. 

I've been living in Tajikistan for 6 months now. I hope I won't have to leave any time soon. Maybe one day, when I leave the military, I'll settle down in Tajikistan and live my days in the mountains. 

Vladik

August 30, 2020

Recovery is a choice

I'm a recovered anorexic. Plan and simple. I no longer count calories. If I see something I like, I buy it and eat it. No guilt. No sorrow. Its just food to me.

7 years ago, I was also an active part of the pro-ana community. I was one of the most active and well-known members. I had a thousand followers on Twitter and would document my daily struggles.

To this day, I still believe recovery is a choice. You cannot force someone to go into recovery against their own will. It won't work; they won't recover. They'll game the system just enough to be released. Then, its back to starving themselves.

I don't agree with the "anorexia is a lifestyle" mindset. No, its a disease. A disease of the mind that manifests and physically destroys your body. That's my main issue with the pro-ana community; that some people promote it as a lifestyle. However, the one thing I will agree with them on is that recovery is a choice. 

Do not force your family member or friend into recovery. Don't say shit like "if you don't recover, we can never be friends." Just don't.

Support your friends. Encourage them to recover. But don't force them to do anything.

In the end, recovery is a choice.

Vladik

March 07, 2020

That time I was accused of being a sock account

This happened in 2013. Thought I would share this fun little story. You can see my original post from 7 years ago here.

I used to have a passion for investigative reporting. Don't ask me why but I did. I wrote an article on my now deleted LiveJournal about the use of sock accounts on FanFiction.net. I used to write fanfiction back in the day and was most active in the new Hawaii Five-0 fandom. So, imagine my surprise when I found multiple blog posts documenting the prevalent use of sock accounts to bully authors in the original Hawaii Five-0 fandom. Perfect topic to write about, right?

Well, I guess I hit a sore spot because I got the following message shortly after I posted it:
Like you I hate sock accounts too, but I have to ask you to please remove the references to myself and my LJ as evidence of your investigation into sock accounts, specifically Remington's
I respected their wishes and deleted the post. I later deleted my LJ after it was hacked by school bullies (that's a story for another time!)

Remington was the name of a former author in the original Hawaii Five-0 fandom who supposedly committed suicide. I can't remember the details now and have since lost the article I wrote. 

Anyway, another author in the Hawaii Five-0 fandom who I guess knew of Remington began posting various slanderous things about me. At the time, I was upset. But now, looking back, god these posts are actually so funny. I thought I would share because damn I had a good laugh.

Note: My username on FanFiction.net used to be StreetBoyRussia but I changed it due to privacy reasons to Vladimir Popov (my pen name).

Disclaimer: Please don't send hate to this individual. I'm just having some fun here reacting to crazy ramblings about myself. If they want me to credit them, more than happy to do that!

Post #1

I think I need to explain to this little sock just how stalking works.

You see this sock appeared on my LJ a few months ago.

We should stand in awe because this Canadian sock from the original Hawaii Five O fandom on ff.net was originally called Remington101 and committed suicide last year after which it's sock sister claimed publicly in a story it was 'posting' to the original Hawaii Five O fandom that it had committed suicide because of bullying. She also claimed he was bullied by school friends and by me over the internet because I dared to politely tell him that he could not take and use posts I had posted to my ff.net profile without my permission nor could he tell other people they could also freely take what I had posted to my profile. She even dramatically posted his suicide note to the AN in the story he was writing, the day he supposedly committed suicide.( I do have a copy of this AN) As I said this sock was a miracle because within days the sock had risen from the grave and was posting on other sites. The sock disappeared after I pointed this miracle out, reappearing under several different names. And strangely enough the sister's pen name also changed and all traces on both profiles referring to the Remington sock and it's suicide were deleted and the profiles made to look like new accounts and writers. streetboyrussia who like his last sock has a sad life story to win sympathy and like his previous sock claims he is being bullied. Well he hit my LJ and then started the same bullshit he tried to start on ff.net.

After I had checked out his LJ page once because I thought I had recognized his profile pic and then realized who it was. (LOL he needs an imagination as much of his story is exactly the same as his last sock persona and LOL so is his profile pic) I posted here publicly that I did not want to have anything to do with him. I have since been told that he is now claiming that I am stalking him on here on Live Journal.

streetboyrussia- its a little hard to stalk you when I don't hit your journal and you are the one who is continually hitting my mine. Funny how you hit my journal when ever anything happens on FF.net. Now go away little sock, go and annoy someone else

The bullying behavior and the intimidation that a small group of writers from the small Five O Fanatics writers' group in the original Hawaii Five O fandom are carrying out in an attempt to force other writers out of the fandom so they can freely plagiarize is really past the point of being ridiculous.

14/2/13 - Just a quick note- I have been told the sock has deleted it's account here on LJ - I don't think the little sock likes being exposed. Also I was told by several people how this little sock has changed it's name and its background. It now calls itself Vladimir Popov and since ff.net has allowed it's members to manually change their location- it raced to change it's country to Russia Federation and has completely changed its profile- no longer is it a poor little street boy living on the streets of Canada after such a hard and pathetic life- now its Russian with a completely different name and background. PATHETIC!!!! And like all the socks these idiots creates, it has several of them listed in its favs list.

I find it funny how this sock appears when the Canadian and the US slash writers of their little group sticks their heads out to post. LOL it doesn't take much imagination to know just who this sock belongs to. LOL
Alright, let's break this down! I'm not going to get involved with the whole Remington and original Hawaii five-0 fandom thing because frankly, I don't know what happened / don't care.

So I'm automatically Remington because I viewed your journal...

I liked Hawaii Five-0. You wrote Hawaii Five-0 stories on LiveJournal...of course I'm going to view your journal...

You wrote a 643 word journal entry about me. That's pretty stalker-ish...

It now calls itself Vladimir Popov and since ff.net has allowed it's members to manually change their location- it raced to change it's country to Russia Federation and has completely changed its profile- no longer is it a poor little street boy living on the streets of Canada after such a hard and pathetic life- now its Russian with a completely different name and background.

I was never in Russia at this time... I had been in Canada all along...

I think I maybe changed my location to Russia on FanFiction.net for fun at one point? 

I will admit. I am Russian. I always have been. I was born in St Petersburg for godsakes. Not sure why it was so shocking to them that a homeless person in Canada could also be Russian (those things aren't mutually exclusive).

To clarify. I was homeless in Russia. Got adopted and moved to Northern Ontario. Lived a relatively normal life and went to school. Ran away from my adoptive parent's home along with my girlfriend and little brother due to mental health reasons. Lived on the streets in Toronto for a bit. Moved out east to live with my girlfriend's family. Broke up with said girlfriend. Moved back to Northern Ontario. Lived with a foster family until I turned 18.


Their second post is even better:

Post #2

It seems the little sock Remington101/ StreetBoyRussia/ The King Said Fuck You/ Vladimir Popov now has a blog. LOL A friend checked it out and sent me a message laughing- It seems this little sock is complaining I dared called it out here in my journal and is carrying on about how I have it wrong- He is real.

He is crying about how I have my post here in my LJ about him and how I have him confused with the Remington sock. He apparently also mentions how he hits my LJ multiple times only because I write the original Five-O and how he is not the only boy in Canada (Umm my dear little sock make up your mind- your ff.net profile said you were in Russia not Canada even though we know that's where the person who created this sock lives- its funny how you ran and deleted the profile story you posted there and the country location after my last post about you- but dont worry- I do have it screencapped.) who loves Hawaii Five-O and it claims the Remington101 sock just happens to have the same background story as he has. Funny how the Remington sock's pen names changes to exactly the same pen names he has used. One little thing you should know Vladimir or what ever pen name you are going to use next-It's extremely easy to follow socks like you. This newest sock in its blog also apparently asks anyone reading my LJ not to believe what I have written here about it.

Its a pity this sock lies through its teeth to get sympathy and to look like the victim. It forgets to tell its readers how its ff.net account changed from the dead sock remington101 (Our miracle back from the dead sock who supposedly committed suicide in an attempt to bully me by creating a sister sock that blamed me publicly in its unfinished Hawaii Five-O story's AN and on it'd profile , even posting the so called suicide note she found on his computer while he lay on the floor in a pool of blood after cutting his throat- but then this little miracle sock continued to post in the days and weeks to other sites after its death) That same account has undergone several sock pen names after this death , including its sock that plagiarized The King Said Fuck You, until it settled for several months on its StreetBoyRussia name. Then when I called it out for continuously hitting my LJ and screaming I was stalking him and pointed out it was all the same socks, it deleted it's LJ account here and changed it's pen name to Vladimir Popov. It's socks remington101 and StreetBoyRussia claimed how everyone and anyone was bullying him .That is now the same reason why he had to changed his pen name yet again and now in his blog has started up the same shit!!! It gets tiring to see it do the same sob bullying victim story over and over again- especially after it did the MOST disgusting act of bullying itself.

I have been told it even has the hide to do a rant about bullying on its blog-and I have seen in several forums on FF.net where it does the 'poor me' posts about how it is cyber-bullied for attention and sympathy- I am so disgusted with this sock and its owners after their behavior- its not funny.

So little Remington101 / 101Remington / 101remington7/Eve Blue Star/ StreetBoyRussia / 101dobles / The King says Fuck You / ican'tbelieveyouarecopyingthis / pleasedeletethisaccountPLEASE / Alexander Zavrazhnov / thisisfuckingstupid / BluePortal91 / Vladimir Popov and the other two or three pen names you have used to bully and lie with- and posting your 101remington NCIS story under your current account kind of gives it away...don't ya think? Bawhhaaaaa ( Also little sock- Google is a wonderful invention- it leaves such a wonderful trail of your pen names for everyone to see) before you run again to your blog and cry how I am bullying you by calling out your socks- get a few facts right-

Your FF.net profile stated you are in Russia (before you ran and hid the country and deleted your profile info- and everyone knows that now you can manually choose what country to show on ff.net . But don't worry little sock as I said above I do have the screencaps of your profile before you deleted the info)- and yet I have been told your latest post to in your blog about me you claim now you are in Canada - Bawhhaaaa.

What I love the best is when your pen name was StreetBoyRussia your background and posts claimed you were a poor little Russian boy- abandoned by your parents at the age of 7 to live on the streets in Russia- then last year you were adopted by a Canadian family who also abused you until you fled to the streets in Canada with a girlfriend and her brother. You even claimed you were riding freight trains and spending most of your time in internet cafes -LOl yet you were able to write, save and post fan fic stories and set up fan fic sites ect. (But don't worry as I said before- these posts and profiles for StreetBoyRussia and all your other socks have been screen capped,- so Yes little sock I do have evidence of your lies) Now you have changed your name because you claimed in a ff.net forum that kids from school were bullying you (ummm you were supposedly a street kid- not at school) suddenly you have a new background living with your parents- except you can't decide if you are in Russia or Germany and you are now a school kid attending school regularly - Bawhhaaaa- little sock- you are an idiot and a laughing stock if you believe that no one notices your constant lies. So many people watching your blog and FB page are laughing and telling me about your latest lies.

Secondly- its funny how you complain about me and call me a troll when I have never ever posted to any of your stories or journals but you continue to stalk my LJ, especially when we both know your excuse of hitting this journal just to read my stories is a lie. We both post to ff.net and I have seen your hits to my forum, my profile and stories there and you even admit to hitting this journal multiple times and by that blog entry I was told about - you continue to hit this journal. So little sock how am I bullying you when YOU have to come to MY journal to read my posts. If you and your friends in the Hawaii Five-O fanatics writers group from ff.net do not like what I have written here in MY journal- then stop hitting it.

So grow up little sock and tell your owners to do the same. Stop making up socks and start putting the effort into your stories and betaing- Its easy to see none of you have any imagination with the same sob stories you use with your socks like this one. Bawhhaaaaa.
Alright. Even more to unpack here. Let's go para-by-para because this is too good.
It seems the little sock Remington101/ StreetBoyRussia/ The King Said Fuck You/ Vladimir Popov now has a blog. LOL A friend checked it out and sent me a message laughing- It seems this little sock is complaining I dared called it out here in my journal and is carrying on about how I have it wrong- He is real.
Come on! If you're going to mention my blog, AT LEAST link it. What's the point of a shoutout if you're not going to even link the author!
He is crying about how I have my post here in my LJ about him and how I have him confused with the Remington sock. He apparently also mentions how he hits my LJ multiple times only because I write the original Five-O and how he is not the only boy in Canada...who loves Hawaii Five-O and it claims the Remington101 sock just happens to have the same background story as he has.
We have the same background? Wow this Remington kid was also a former Russian street kid? Damn, we should start a support group together. Former Russian street kids who moved to Canada, write Hawaii Five-0 stories, and have other authors write long-winded crazy rants about you.
(Umm my dear little sock make up your mind- your ff.net profile said you were in Russia not Canada even though we know that's where the person who created this sock lives- its funny how you ran and deleted the profile story you posted there and the country location after my last post about you- but dont worry- I do have it screencapped.)
Cool. You have a screenshot saying I lived in Canada. I've never denied that. I can tell you the town I used to live in as well if you want. Its a shithole and I don't ever plan on going back. 
Funny how the Remington sock's pen names changes to exactly the same pen names he has used. One little thing you should know Vladimir or what ever pen name you are going to use next-It's extremely easy to follow socks like you. This newest sock in its blog also apparently asks anyone reading my LJ not to believe what I have written here about it.
Wow me and Remington had the same account name? GASP. Maybe he's my stalker?

(Our miracle back from the dead sock who supposedly committed suicide in an attempt to bully me by creating a sister sock that blamed me publicly in its unfinished Hawaii Five-O story's AN and on it'd profile , even posting the so called suicide note she found on his computer while he lay on the floor in a pool of blood after cutting his throat- but then this little miracle sock continued to post in the days and weeks to other sites after its death)

Jokes aside. If this actually happened to you, I'm sorry. I don't know if Remington or the suicide story was real (all I have is heresy and I can't form a solid opinion based on just second-hand information). If they blamed you for the fake suicide of a teenager, that's absolutely disgusting.
Its a pity this sock lies through its teeth to get sympathy and to look like the victim. It forgets to tell its readers how its ff.net account changed from the dead sock remington101 ...That same account has undergone several sock pen names after this death , including its sock that plagiarized The King Said Fuck You, until it settled for several months on its StreetBoyRussia name.
The King Said F**k You. Interesting story name. I'm surprised FanFiction.net allows that as a story name. I would assume they would have some sort of profanity filter.
Then when I called it out for continuously hitting my LJ and screaming I was stalking him and pointed out it was all the same socks, it deleted it's LJ account here and changed it's pen name to Vladimir Popov.
YOU WERE STALKING ME!!! You somehow found my Russian birth name! HOW?????

Also RIP my LiveJournal.
It's socks remington101 and StreetBoyRussia claimed how everyone and anyone was bullying him .That is now the same reason why he had to changed his pen name yet again and now in his blog has started up the same shit!!! It gets tiring to see it do the same sob bullying victim story over and over again- especially after it did the MOST disgusting act of bullying itself.
Again, if you're going to talk about my blog, please link it. Thank you :)
I have been told it even has the hide to do a rant about bullying on its blog-and I have seen in several forums on FF.net where it does the 'poor me' posts about how it is cyber-bullied for attention and sympathy- I am so disgusted with this sock and its owners after their behavior- its not funny.
Ah yes. How dare I reach out for support after being bullied online. It wasn't like some schoolyard bullies made an account dedicated to hating on me (where they also claimed I raped my girlfriend).
Remington101 / 101Remington / 101remington7/Eve Blue Star/ StreetBoyRussia / 101dobles / The King says Fuck You / ican'tbelieveyouarecopyingthis / pleasedeletethisaccountPLEASE / Alexander Zavrazhnov / thisisfuckingstupid / BluePortal91 / Vladimir Popov
"I don't stalk you but I somehow know your Russian birth name even though you didn't post it on any public forum."

I only revealed my birth name in February 2020 so... sorta creepy how they got it back in 2013...

I don't go by that name anymore but still...

(If you actually see this post, can you actually let me know how you got this information? This is the one thing I'm actually creeped out by)
Your FF.net profile stated you are in Russia (before you ran and hid the country and deleted your profile info- and everyone knows that now you can manually choose what country to show on ff.net . But don't worry little sock as I said above I do have the screencaps of your profile before you deleted the info)- and yet I have been told your latest post to in your blog about me you claim now you are in Canada - Bawhhaaaa.
Again. I never denied that I was a Russian living in Canada. In fact, I made an entire post about moving from Canada to Russia!! Also I just noticed my FanFiction.net profile actually says: "If you couldn't tell by my name, I am was born and raised in Russia. I moved to Canada a few years back"

I don't understand why you're so caught up on this one little detail!
What I love the best is when your pen name was StreetBoyRussia your background and posts claimed you were a poor little Russian boy- abandoned by your parents at the age of 7 to live on the streets in Russia- then last year you were adopted by a Canadian family who also abused you until you fled to the streets in Canada with a girlfriend and her brother.
There you go! You finally got it!
You even claimed you were riding freight trains and spending most of your time in internet cafes -LOl yet you were able to write, save and post fan fic stories and set up fan fic sites ect.
This is just sad how disconnected you (and most of society) are with the reality of homelessness. Most homeless youth have access to the internet. They post on social media just like you and me. When you're homeless, you have all the time in the world. I used writing FanFiction as a way to pass the time and escape my painful reality. Now that I actually have made something out of my life, I no longer need that escape.
(But don't worry as I said before- these posts and profiles for StreetBoyRussia and all your other socks have been screen capped,- so Yes little sock I do have evidence of your lies)
Yo do you mind sending me these screencaps? I want to create a collage of my time on the streets.
Now you have changed your name because you claimed in a ff.net forum that kids from school were bullying you (ummm you were supposedly a street kid- not at school) suddenly you have a new background living with your parents- except you can't decide if you are in Russia or Germany and you are now a school kid attending school regularly -
Sigh. I thought you got it...

Alrighy. Let me re-iterate.

I was homeless in Russia. Got adopted and moved to Northern Ontario. Lived a relatively normal life and went to school. Ran away from my adoptive parent's home along with my girlfriend and little brother due to mental health reasons. Lived on the streets in Toronto for a bit. Moved out east to live with my girlfriend's family. Broke up with said girlfriend. Moved back to Northern Ontario. Lived with a foster family until I turned 18. 
Bawhhaaaa- little sock- you are an idiot and a laughing stock if you believe that no one notices your constant lies. So many people watching your blog and FB page are laughing and telling me about your latest lies.
Please link my blog and FB page if you're going to talk about it. Give credit where credit is due. Failure to cite your sources is plagiarism :)
Secondly- its funny how you complain about me and call me a troll when I have never ever posted to any of your stories or journals but you continue to stalk my LJ, especially when we both know your excuse of hitting this journal just to read my stories is a lie. 
YOU FOUND MY RUSSIAN BIRTH NAME AND ACCUSED ME OF BEING A DEAD KID!!!!
We both post to ff.net and I have seen your hits to my forum, my profile and stories there and you even admit to hitting this journal multiple times and by that blog entry I was told about - you continue to hit this journal.
If you have a crazy person is ranting about you, wouldn't you look at their profile??
So little sock how am I bullying you when YOU have to come to MY journal to read my posts.
Um you write long-winded rants about me accusing me of stuff I don't even understand? And you sorta doxxed me by revealing my birth name?
So grow up little sock and tell your owners to do the same. Stop making up socks and start putting the effort into your stories and betaing- Its easy to see none of you have any imagination with the same sob stories you use with your socks like this one. Bawhhaaaaa.
Pinky promise this will be my last sock account. Next time, I'll pretend to be a Nigerian Prince (I will give you 20% of my 100 million fortune for a small fee of $1,000).


Hope you guys enjoyed!

Again, please don't send hate to this person. This stuff doesn't bother me anymore and honestly, its hilarious. 

Vladik

February 01, 2020

Hey it's been a while

Wow its been over 6 years since I last posted. Looking back at this blog has been a journey down memory lane. So much has happened since 2013; I barely even recognize 14 year old me.

I'm now 21. I'm proud to say I've been recovered for the past 4 years. I now eat an average of 2500 calories a day without feeling an ounce of guilt. I can't believe 6 years ago, I would break down crying if I ate more than 500 calories a day. It's been quite a journey that I wish I could have shared with you all. But, my journey to recovery was a journey that I had to take by myself.

I moved back to Russia two years ago. I love Canada but I felt so restricted there.

I was a crown ward, living in rural town in Northern Ontario.

Population: 3,500.

I don't know if you've ever lived in a small town before but everyone knows everything. You can't keep a secret. People knew about my history with alcohol abuse, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and running away. When I moved out of my adoptive parent's house (this was when I was most active on social media), I thought it was going to be a new start. I moved to a town 8 hours south. No one knew me.

Yet, somehow my past followed me there. People soon started to piece together my broken past. It became common knowledge. And, it became so suffocating.

I knew I wanted to move back to Russia. But, I wasn't sure how to do it. I had a Canadian passport but wouldn't I need to get my Russian passport as well? All I knew at the time was that I had to save up money for my trip home. So, I began taking on any and all jobs.

The day I turned 18, I aged out of the foster care system. I hitchhiked for two days to reach Ottawa. Once I got to Ottawa, the first place I visited was the Russian Embassy. I walked in, showed my Canadian passport that proudly displayed by place of birth as 'St Petersburg, Russia', and said in Russian, "I want a Russian passport to go home."

I couldn't produce a Russian birth certificate. I had no idea if I was even still a Russian citizen. All I had was my adoption certificate stating that "James Smith" was adopted from Russia to a Canadian couple.

It took the embassy 5 months to confirm my identity, another 3 months to produce a birth certificate, and another 2 months to issue me a passport. They gave me the choice to go back to my Russian birth name, Alexander Zavrazhnov, or keep my Canadian legal name, James Smith.

I chose neither.

I didn't want to be Sasha, that homeless kid around St Petersburg. Nor, do I want to be James, that weird kid who starved himself.

I had been going by the name Vladik for quite some time and it just felt right. I chose the name Vladimir.

I moved to Russia a few months before I turned 19. I didn't have anything waiting for me back at Russia so I decided to join the military. Conscription is a thing here so to cover myself, I volunteered for service.

Since then, life has been good. More posts to come :)

Cheers all,

Vladik

June 26, 2013

Sorry About the Lack of Tweets

Okay so I haven't been tweeting or updating this blog for like EVER. I just logged onto my email and I received quite a few tweets concerning my wellbeing. Well I can safely say I'm fine. The reason for this is a lot if things but the main reason for my lack of tweets is because we just moved to a new province. Packing and unpacking everything, settling down to a new environment, and not knowing anyone has been very time consuming.

Also my girlfriend thought she was pregnant and that caused a lot of drama. I had to admit I was freaked out! We're both only 14 and parenthood is something we can definitely not handle. Luckily she wasn't so phew!!

Another thing is the NHL playoffs (not surprisingly). It sucked. I can't believe the Hawks won!!!! Not fair....

Well I'm probably not going to be tweeting that often for the remainder of June but I promise you I will start tweeting as soon as I can!

Like I said before sorry for worrying you guys. I just want you to know I'm fine (but still really busy) and I'll be tweeting like crazy as soon as everything smooths out.


Remember, you are beautiful,

Vladik

May 30, 2013

I Hate Myself

If you met me just out of the blue, you would think that I'm one of the happiest guys around. Yes I love to smile and make others smile as well but does that mean that I smile on the inside? The answer is sometimes. I sometimes smile on the inside.

I have very little self-esteem/self-confidence. I hate myself. I often feel like I am worthless, that I don't deserve to live. I don't suffer from depression but I do have symptoms of depression. The doctor said that they were too low for him to diagnose me with depression. But still, I hate myself. But I fight, every day I fight for my happiness. I tell myself that I am worth it and that I am beautiful the way I am.

I am worth it.

I had a heart scare a few months back and I actually made it into the local newspaper! They actually wrote a little bit about my self-esteem.

"We interviewed Alex* yesterday and when asked why he starved himself, he replied by saying, “I don't deserve food. I'm not good enough.” With his blond hair, good looks and out-going personality, one might be surprised by the fact he has such low self-esteem. “I hate myself. I'm fat and ugly. I'm just a failure.”"

*Note that they changed my name for privacy issues.

Aww thanks but I'm ugly as fuck.

In reality, I hate myself. I might not act that way but I do. I hate everything about myself; my height, my weight, my hair colour, my accent, my immature personality, EVERYTHING. But I don't care, I will fight for my happiness. I am beautiful in my own way and I will tell myself this everyday.

I am worth it.

May 17, 2013

Different Types of Eating Disorders

When one thinks about eating disorders (EDs) the main thought would be skinny girls starving themselves. Many people think that there is only one type of ED but in reality there are multiple types. These include under eating and over eating as well as a combination of the two.

First here are a few definitions you will need to know.

Eating disorder
Eating disorders are a condition defined by abnormal eating habits, both under eating and over eating, because of one's mental of physical health.

Binge eating (binging)
Binge eating is the uncontrollable consumption of large quantities of food.

Purging
Purging is the act of compensatory behaviour to controls one's weight after eating. Examples of purging are (but not limited to) using laxatives, self-induced vomiting, and/or over exercising.

So without any further complications here are a list of the most common eating disorders.

Anorexia Nervosa

Anorexia Nervosa is characterized by the refusal to eat.
Probably the most well known, Anorexia Nervosa (often called simply anorexia. Note that anorexia is a symptom where one does not feel hungry but it is usually used to refer to Anorexia Nervosa) is an eating disorder characterized by the refusal to eat due to an obsession with having a skinny body and irrational fear of gaining weight, as well as a distorted body self-perception. No matter how skinny they are, it is not enough. It has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness at 20%.

Anorexia is most prevalent in adolescent girls but recent studies have shown younger and younger children are also suffering from it. Also it is estimated that 1 in 4 anorexics are male though in recovery programs only 1 in 10 are males. This is because males are much likely to be diagnosed. It may affect anyone from any social, economical or cultural background.

Anorexics typically consume around 600-800 but cases of complete starvation have been documented. You do no have to be underweight to suffer from anorexia.

Bulimia Nervosa

Bulimia Nervosa (often called bulimia) is an eating disorder characterized by frequent episodes of eating large amounts of food uncontrollably (binge eating) as well as a compensatory behaviour intended to prevent excessive weight gain, often dubbed "purging". Examples of purging are using laxatives, self-induced vomiting, over exercising... etc. The key difference between bulimia and anorexia is anorexics do not purge.

An example of purging.
Bulimia and anorexia are closely related. It is believed that half of the teens suffering from anorexia also suffer from bulimia. People who suffer from both can be diagnosed with an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (see below) or Anorexia with Bulimic Tendencies. They usually do not eat for a prolonged period of time and then binge and eventually purge. This is a way of controlling their weight though extremely unhealthy.
People with bulimia are generally at a healthy weight. Bulimia is considered less life threatening than anorexia but studies have shown that is much more prevalent. It is believed that up to 1% of women suffer from this. Bulimia is nine times more common in females than males.

Binge Eating Disorder (BED)

The most common eating disorder but still not recognized as a separate eating disorder, Binge Eating Disorder (BED) is an eating disorder characterized by frequent episodes of binge eating (eating large amounts of food uncontrollably) without using compensatory behaviour (laxatives, self-induced vomiting, over exercising) to prevent weight gain. Usually these episodes last no more than two hours but some cases are shown to be different. They difference between BED and bulimia is that bulimics use compensatory methods to prevent weight gain.

Binge eating is the uncontrollable
consumption of large quantities of food.
In the USA it is believed to affect 2-3% of the population. Also 30% of people seeking weight loss treatments have BED. Most people with BED are classified as overweight or obese but people at a healthy weight may also suffer from this.

Unlike anorexia and bulimia, the gender difference between the two are much smaller. Women are twice more likely to suffer from BED than men. Like anorexia, it may affect anyone from any social, economical or cultural background.

At the moment, people with BED are often diagnosed with an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) since it has not been recognized as a separate eating disorder.

Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS)

An EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) is diagnosis given to someone with an eating disorder that does not fit the criteria of anorexia, or bulimia. EDNOS symptoms and behaviors can vary widely. Someone with this could restrict their calorie intake for a day and then binge the next day or they could suffer from BED (many people with BED are diagnosed with EDNOS because BED is not recognized as an eating disorder).

EDNOS is as serious as any other eating disorder and should not be taken lightly.

Night Eating Syndrome (NES)

Night Eating Syndrome (NES) is an emerging eating disorder where a person eats very little during the day and binges at night. It is characterized by obsessively eating over half of their daily calories after eight o'clock.

The difference between NES and BED (Binge Eating Disorder) is that NES patients binge at night instead of throughout the day and generally snack instead of eating full meals. This is often seen as a way to cope with depression. People with NES also do not purge, differing it from bulimia. 
People with orthorexia have an
unhealthy obsession with eating healthy.

Orthorexia Nervosa

Orthorexia Nervosa is relatively new compared with it's counterparts but is as deadly. Orthorexia is an eating disorder characterized by an obsession to eat "pure" foods. Put simply, they have an unhealthy obsession with eating healthy.


No matter how muscular they are,
 they feel as if that is not enough.
The difference between orthorexia and anorexia is that anorexics focus more on their bodies while orthorexics focus more on the food they are eating. Most people diagnosed with it do not have distorted self-perception. Like BED it is not recognized as a separate eating disorder.

Muscle Dysmorphia (Bigorexia)

Muscle dysmorphia, known informally as bigorexia is not necessarily an eating disorder but it does fall into the category of abnormal eating habits.  Like its name, it is a disorder in which a person becomes obsessed with not having enough muscle. It is quite similar to anorexia in the sense the person has distorted body self-perception but people with this are focused more on building muscle. No matter how muscular they are, they feel as if that is not enough.

Bigorexia almost entirely affects men but cases of women having bigorexia have been documented. Most cases are of body builders.


May 05, 2013

Things NOT to say to Anorexics

Somethings that you might think are innocent enough to say to someone with anorexia are actually either very offensive or might cause them to lose more weight.

Here are some things you should avoid saying:

Can you give me some weight lose tips?

Yes I can give you weight lose tips but you might just die in the process.

Yes anorexics generally know quite a lot of weight lose tips but these tips are dangerous and life threatening. You will lose weight using these tips but they will probably be extremely unhealthy. You probably will lose a few pounds but as soon as you go back to your regular eating patterns, you will gain the weight back.

What to do instead.

If you really want to loose weight, eat healthy and moderately exercise. Do NOT join the ED community.

But I've seen you eat!

We are people too and that means we eat. Most people think anorexics completely stop eating. That is not the case. We mostly cut back on what we eat. We still will eat but not as much. When you say this to someone with an eating disorder, they might take it as an insult and start eating less.

What to do instead.

Don't comment about what they eat. Commenting about what they eat will make them quite nervous and not want to eat around you.

How much do you weigh?

Tell me how much you weigh first.

It's human nature to not want to tell other people your weight. Anorexics are no different. Would you like people asking you about your weight constantly? Probably not. So don't ask others this question.

What to do instead.

Don't make comments about their weight/shape/food intake. This will make them nervous and strain your relationship. Also they might want to cut back on food even more.

You're so thin it's unhealthy!

Thank you.

You might think this is an insult but most anorexics will call this a compliment. Armed with the motivation to lose more weight, they will cut back on food and exercise more intensely for more people to notice and for them to comment about it as well.

What to do instead.

Best thing to do, don't comment about their body. Their body is their body meaning that you have no right to be talking about it.

I have anorexia because I skipped a meal.

No. Just no.

Let me tell you a story. I have a friend named Erin and she is sort of a wannarexic. She says that she has anorexia because she doesn't eat breakfast. Okay you might have the symptom anorexia but you do NOT have Anorexia Nervosa! Skipping a meal does not mean you have an eating disorder.

Saying this is very, very offensive. When Erin said this, I was shocked. I couldn't believe she had just said that. I was very offended. I didn't say anything about it because she is a good friend but still, I was pissed.

Saying this is implying that eating disorders are a joke and everyone has one to a certain extent. Anorexia/bulimia/EDNOS are NOT jokes. They are serious mental illnesses that kill. Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness with 20% succumbing to their eating disorder and only 40% truly recover. Doesn't sound funny now does it?

What to do instead.

Just don't say it.

Eat something or (insert threat here)

Threatening them to eat is quite a stupid thing to do. Most people who do this actually have pure intentions but this is not the way to go.

Threats do not work. In all honesty, threatening them will only cause strain on your relationship. They will pull away from you and believe that you are the villain in the story. Also chances are they won't eat anything.

What to do instead.

Encourage them to eat. Don't force them to, encourage them. There is a difference.

Just snap out of it!

Trust me if I could, I would.

You cannot just snap out of an eating disorder. If that was the case then why would there be such a high mortality rate, eh?

It's not a state or mind, it is an illness. Saying "Just snap out of it!" to an anorexic is likes saying "Just snap out of it!" to a cancer victim. You cannot just snap out of it; it takes time to heal. Saying this will only strain your relationship.

What to do instead.

Like I said before, encourage them to get better. Don't force it upon them, encourage them.

May 04, 2013

Q&A

I get asked a lot of the same questions so I felt like I should make a quick questions and answers post. So here it goes!

How old are you?
14. I turn 15 in October.

How tall are you?
5'6. I know I told a lot of people that I was 5'5 but I grew! But I'm still short...

Do you live in Russia?
Once upon a time I did. Then I moved to Canada.

Where in Canada do you live?
Ontario.

Are you straight?
Yes.

What do you look for in a girl?
She has to be a good person inside. Oh, and she needs to like hockey))))

Do you have a girlfriend?
Yes. We have been dating for almost two years now.

How did your eating disorder start?
I made a post about it!!! Right here.

Do you speak Russian?
да.

Ask me more questions on Ask.fm!!!

April 29, 2013

Autobiography

Cover
So twitter isn't working for me today so I decided to try writing an autobiography!! YAY! I'm writing my autobiography, titled Perfectly Imperfect, on Wattpad. Here is the link. So if you were ever curious about my story, here it is! Names and places have been changed and certain scenes altered because of the nature of the incident. My name has also been changed.

I want to say that this was very hard for me to write. I've always kept my past life a secret and now it's out there, on the internet, for anyone and everyone to read. My life is filled with pain and struggle but at the same time hope and happiness. What doesn't kill me always makes me stronger at the end.

I decided to write this mainly because I was bored but also to tell people who have endured the same thing that it does get better. One day, everything will work out. I promise you that.

Here are some excerpts:

Perfect.

It is a word that haunts me. Memories of my past quickly flood my mind when it is spoken. All I wanted was to be perfect. I did anything and everything to achieve that. I didn't care about the consequences, all that mattered was that I was perfect.

So many people called me that. Now and then. On the outside, I might look that way but on the inside, I am the exact opposite. On the inside I am an emotional train wreck. Horrible mood swings, uncontrollable urges to drink, throwing up what I eat, are all part of my perfection.

I am perfectly imperfect. (Prologue)

XXX

“We want an abortion!” suddenly yelled Alex.

“An abortion?” questioned Golovkin. For someone who had sounded so confused, they seemed to be quite confident in their decision.

“Yes...” whispered Lucya. (March 30, 1998)

Smile)))))

Today I set out on a mission; a mission to make people smile. These days, not enough people smile. So what says smile and be happy like dressing up as a giant chicken!

Sexy chicken.
I got a few odd looks but it was worth it entirely. Almost everyone I saw smiled and waved. It made me feel great that I made some people's day. So this is what I did!

I was at my friend's house and we were both bored. So I decided to do something crazy. I thought for a second and the thought of dressing up as a chicken came up. I asked a couple of people and they all answered "yes!". So I got dressed. Me friend chickened out and didn't go. I was not drunk!!
The first stop was McDonald's. What? It was funny. During the walk there, a ton of people honked and waved at me and some just gave me weird looks asking me if I was drunk. Awesome.
So I went to McDonald's walked around and left. Next stop...the MALL!!! The mall was a little crappy. Long story short, I got kicked out. Fucking security. Well, I went into the store, Target and walked around.
I then proceeded to walk around the actual mall. Some people took pictures of me while others just laughed and ran away. That's when security kicked me out. Yeah they actually gave me no reason. I'll do a post about that.

I then continued to walk aimlessly, waving at random people. I went to a book store, pet store, grocery store and a sports store. It was awesome!!! Here are some hilarious reactions I found on Twitter:
There's probably more but I'm lazy and I don't feel like looking for them.

Well, I hope you smiled)))))

April 28, 2013

How did my Eating Disorder Start?

I've been asking myself this question for so long. How did my ED start? Did someone say something? Was it because of my biological parents? The police?

I don't know.

I don't know how my eating disorder started or why it did. This has been driving me insane not knowing the answer. Most doctors think that my ED is related to my upbringing. I was abused (physically and emotionally) and neglected as a child. By the age of seven, I was on the streets. I eventually was put into an orphanage. All I wanted was control. I couldn't control anything else in my life but my body. So that's what I did.

That's the doctor's theory. Whether it's true or now, I don't know.

Vladimir Really Does like Vodka

Last night I decided to do something incredibly stupid. I drank a whole bottle of vodka. God I have a bad hangover today. If you were on twitter last night, you probably saw a few of my drunk tweets.
Yeah....

Well after I surpassed my daily limit of tweets, I decided to continue talking to people through DM and other sites (FanFiction.net). It did not turn out well. My messages made absolutely no sense and some of them were a little offensive. Sorry about that.

Hockey stop on skates.

Oh, than after I finished drinking, I thought of the great idea of rollerblading! God I was drunk. So I grabbed my hockey helmet and laced up the skates. I skated for about two minutes before I decided to do something even more stupid; skate as fast as I can and then stop. Mind you I can ice skate but not rollerblade. I picked up a lot of speed then I realized something; I didn't know how to stop. Uh-oh. I panicked and decided a hockey stop was the best thing to do. Not my brightest moment. You actually can't do a hockey stop on rollerblades without falling. So, I ended up falling flat on my face and I badly skimmed my knee. Luckily my helmet had a cage so I didn't hurt my face!
Hockey helmet with a cage.

So, I ended up spending the night at the hospital getting patched up. Not fun.

I just want to say, it was an eventful night! It was my first night out of the inpatient program and I was already back in hospital!

Go Vladimir!!!

April 10, 2013

Inpatient Mode!!!

Yesterday at around 11:00 Eastern Time, I was in bed, chatting with awesome people on kik (RussianAnorexic) and Twitter when my heart started to race. Well, I know for a fact that I have a very weak heart, so I didn't take notice of it. Seven years of an eating disorder can do that to you. Then about ten minutes later, my chest began to hurt and I had trouble breathing. Uh-oh, that ain't good. I had no idea what was going on so I decided to ask on Twitter if I should tell my dad:
All most all the responses were "YES!!!". So, I woke up my GF's dad (I live with them and he has legal custody over me) and told him what was going on. He immediately said he thought that I was having a heart attack. Most of you would probably be like that's ridiculous, fourteen year olds don't get heart attacks but last month I had one. The main reason for that was because of my weak heart but also because I had just drank a huge cup of coffee. But, it was still scary as hell. This time, I hadn't been drinking coffee. I had only been sipping on diet coke almost five hours ago.
This is what caused my last heart attack.


I am quiet happy that at the time, we weren't at my farm. Long story short, the farm is were my adoptive parents live and where I use to live but I moved away after a huge fight we had. Well that farm is about a two hour drive from the nearest hospital. Glad I wasn't there...

Well, me and my girlfriend got into the car and he drove us to the emergency room. By that time, my legs began to feel like jello and I was a little dizzy. I told the nurse what was going on and she immediately got me hooked up to a machine. Before I knew it, and IV was in my hand and hospital staff were swarming around me. They took my blood pressure, blood sugar and a ton of other things. They then told me I was having a heart attack. Great....

They injected a ton of stuff in my IV and began asking me some general questions. At that time, my GF's dad called my adoptive parents and told them what was going on. After I told the nurse I suffered from an eating disorder she immediately asked me for my height and weight. I told her them I could tell she was shocked.

Within two hours, my little brother, obviously worried about me, come running into the hospital hugging me. We talked a little before I fell asleep (it was around two/three in the morning).

I woke up to my GF's dad talking on the phone. After a little while he hung up and I asked him what it was about. What he told me almost gave me another heart attack. I was going to an inpatient program to help me recover.

Crap!

Don't make me go!!!!

I pleaded with him but after what I had just went through, he didn't budge. So now, I'm going to be flying down to Southern Ontario because apparently none of the clinics in Northern Ontario will accept me or the waiting list is to long.

Right now, we (GF, GF's dad, and I) are getting ready to go to the airport to catch our flight. I am not excited. Like not what so ever. I don't want to recover!!! Why can't you understand that!!????

I have no idea how long I am going to be away for meaning that I can't update my Twitter, blog or anything ((((((

I'm going to miss you.

Stay strong,

Vladimir Popov

April 09, 2013

Это называется свобода слова!!!!!

Titled translates into "It's called freedom of speech!!!!!"

I am absolutely pissed off at Facebook. More than I was when I found out that my little brother drank all my Coke Zero and I was pissed at him. Well, I made a Facebook page (username RussianAnorexic) titled "Pro Ana" designed to help people who suffer from an eating disorder but do not wish to recover. Well it got about 80 likes before Facebook decided to be an ass and deleted it.

Well today I woke up and decided to check my email. I had about twelve emails from twitter. I quickly scanned through them before deleting them. Then I saw it. The email was titled "Facebook Warning". I thought maybe I did something wrong, like posting to many stats in one go but it wasn't like that. It was a notice about my Facebook page "Pro Ana". I didn't know what to think so I continued to read. Here are some direct quotes from the email:

Yeah...no

"You are receiving this message because a friend is concerned about something you posted on Facebook."

None of my friends know about that page...

"Facebook is working with the National Eating Disorders Association to provide resources to our users and to support those struggling with eating disorders."

Well, deleting a page meant to support those who do not wish to recover is NOT supporting those struggling with eating disorders. So many pages post things that say that you must recover. I disagree with these pages. Recovery is a personal choice and not something to be forced upon. You are not supporting anyone by saying that you must recover.

In some sense, I understand what they were doing. Probably over 75% of the people on that page were wannorexics. Mind you that I do not hate wannorexics for their thinking, I hate them for posting stuff onto sites meant for people actually struggling with an eating disorder. Honestly, I wanted to scream at them. I really did. It was ridiculous the things they were posting. I don't have any screen shots but I do remember some stuff.

Most messages that I got went along the lines of this:

"Hey I just started with Ana. Can you give me some tips?"

First off, you can't just start with anorexia. Second, if you are actually anorexic, you wouldn't be asking for tips. I didn't even know about the anorexic community on the internet until like last year and I've suffered from an eating disorder for seven years!! For all that time, I knew all the common "tips" that people posted.

In conclusion, I'm still pissed off that Facebook does not allow freedom of speech. I live in Canada not North Korea! I have a voice! Will it be silenced? Never!!! During the Cold War I understand but that was over like twenty years ago! I am pissed and I will always be. So Twitter, you are better than Facebook.

March 22, 2013

Yes, I am Bulimic

I usually only tell people that I'm anorexic because I feel as if I have concurred my bulimia. I was quite wrong.

Back in Russia I would starve myself on some days and on others I would binge horribly. After I binged, I would lock myself in the bathroom and purge my guts out. The acidic feeling in my throat hurt so much but at the same time it felt so good. I was getting rid of the food in my belly. At the time my parents did not know what to do. They thought it was a phase.

When I moved to Canada, I promised myself that I would not starve or binge ever again. I guess I succeed in that sense. I gained thirty pounds and finally began to look healthy. But that all changed in the summer of 2012. I felt as if I was too fat so I began to restrict my diet. Before I knew it I went back to my anorexic ways. I never purged until a few days ago. I went on a horrible binge. I ate an entire medium sized pizza. I just couldn't stop myself from eating. It was disgusting. Afterwards, I locked myself in the bathroom and stuck my finger down my throat. It felt good.

I never want to purge again but I probably will in the near future. I haven't been on a huge binge since then but I am still scared. I hate myself for purging yet I also love to purge. Eating disorders honestly make no sense.

March 18, 2013

I'm Not Perfect


I've received a lot of tweets on twitter and also something on Ask.fm pertaining to me being perfect. I am not perfect! I know that these people are completing me but I am not perfect. No one is. Everyone has problems. I am a messed up child if anything. So here is a list of things of why I am not perfect:
  • My name is Vladimir. Yeah....
  • I have a very thick Russian accent. It is quite hard to understand what I'm saying.
  • I'm short. I'm 5'5. For a guy, that's short.
  • I'm anorexic.
  • I am bulimic.
  • I have no muscles mostly because of my anorexia.
  • I was abused as a child.
  • I was bullied at school.
  • I am bullied online.
  • I'm adopted.
  • I drink at least two bottles of vodka a week.
  • I was a chain smoker.
  • I sniffed glue.
  • I suffer from ADHD.
  • I suffer from OCD.
  • If I continue with my anorexic tendencies I will be dead before 30.
  • I spend at least 2 hours a day playing video games. NERD!!!
  • I spend at least 4 hours on the internet every day.
  • I swear a lot. Like A LOT.
  • I hate my body.
  • I have suicidal tendencies.
  • I know nothing about American football. Like nothing!! I just found out what the NFL was....
  • I cannot sing. Like my voice sounds horrible.
  • I have no sense of fashion.
Does that sound perfect to you?

March 12, 2013

Major Changes to this Blog

Since creating my twitter account, I really wanted to create a blog about my battle with anorexia. Even before I moved to Canada, I have always struggled with my relationship with food and loving my body. Back in Russia I use to throw up every meal I ate. Some days I would eat up to 3000 calories in one go while other days I would starve myself. Either way, I threw up what was in my stomach. I absolutely hate my body. Where other people see bones I see fat. I just want to be happy with myself.

I am not pro anorexic but I am also not pro recovery. I am somewhere in-between. I desperately want to gain weight but at the same time I don't. It's really hard to explain but if you ask someone who suffers from an eating disorder, they will probably say the same thing.

My old blog was called rantingrussian.blogspot.ca. I have changed it to russiananorexic.blogspot.ca.